DON’T YOU DARE DO IT EARL
 

 
Listen to me Earl, LISTEN TO ME EARL, I have tickets to just ONE Red Sox game and you’re going to piss all over it. Just go out into the ocean and  leave  Massachusetts alone. You can slam the fuck into Nova Scotia all you want. JUST LEAVE BOSTON ALONE ON SEPTEMBER 3RD.
 
 
 

Awesome Bible Passages and their 2010 Editions
  

II Kings 2:23-24 

 
 
“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them, and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled the forty-two youths.“
 
Ok. Biblical times were awesome. Can you imagine how cool it would be to watch two bears maul 42 people? That would make the most amazing episode of “When Animals Attack.” Also, “youth” is a very vague term. Are we talking 5 year olds? Cause that’s not cool. If it’s like 14-20, I’m ok with a bear mauling at that age. Especially since 30 was considered old age. So lets rehash:
 
<5- Not cool for bear mauling
5-14 Avoid bear mauling whenever possible
14-20 Prime bear mauling age
20-30 You could probably do the mauling yourself, but bear involvement is fine
30+ Let nature maul them
 
2010 Version:
 
“Elishizzle headed to Bethel. Some gangster kids from the town said “Hey Baldy, Go on up!” “No seriously, Go on up!” He turned around, looked at them, flicked them off and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two endangered bears came out of the woods and mauled the forty-two youths.”
   

Lesson to be learned: Do not F with the Lord or bears will EAT YOU. Also, being bald is ok, you can command wildlife. 
   
 

Genesis 25:30

 
 
“He said to Jacob, ‘Let me eat some of that red stuff, because I’m exhausted’”
 
My name is Jacob and that red stuff is awesome. It is really good with green drink.
 
2010 Version:
 
‘He said to Jacob, ‘Dude, do you have a 5-hour energy, because I’m having that 2:30 feeling’“

 
Lesson to be learned: Red stuff rules and it makes you un-tired and junk.
   
 

Proverbs 27:15-16 

“A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind, or trying to hold something with greased hands.”
 

I wonder what else he’s holding with greased hands (Yuck Yuck). Actually, they had grease back then? Not WD-40, but wow… Grease! I bet that was a new invention. “Dude the lord talks about grease!”
 
2010 Version:
 
“A bitchy wife is as annoying as meaningless facebook updates. Stopping her complaints is like trying to turn off the internet, or trying to hold something with WD-40’ed hands.”
 
Lesson to be learned: Don’t marry?
 
 

Ezekiel 23:19-20

 
 
“Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emissions were like that of horses.”
 
Best… Book… Ever… Who says emissions? Ahahahhaah. Sounds like I need to get my car checked. Some of these terms need to come back, seriously.
 
2010 Version:
 
“She became hot as she remembered how she used to be an interracial porn star. They had big junk, and could pressure wash her driveway”
 
Lesson to be learned: Egyptians have huge… uhh… Pyramids.
 
 

And Now Some Boston Pictures

(P.S. these were taken on my phone (HTC droid incredible) using the free app Fx Camera… Get it)
 

UNTIL NEXT TIME COME VISIT US PLACES HERE NOW

 
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(Marisa getting ready to rock)
 
 
 

Show Review!

 
 
On the hierarchy of “losing things” your vehicle tends to be a priority, so you could imagine our amazement when we walked out to corner to find that our extremely large bright red van missing.
 

 
“Hum… I know for a fact I parked the van here,” said Pat.
 

And then it started raining.
 

Marisa had already claimed my umbrella for her hair which was frizzing itself into a knot. The rest of us reached for our phones and madly started googling. I think my first entry was “My can was Towde” (Give me a break, it’s a new phone and I am just learning). Within minutes, we determined the Red Beast was being held at a nearby impound lot.
 

With less than an hour until we had to load in for the show, we were all happy that retrieving our van was relatively easy. Handing over money for something we never wanted done in the first place proved to be more difficult. I remember the stale impound office room, at least one sweaty overweight man judging us, while the other happily rang Pat’s credit card. $$
 
 

 

On our way to get our equipment, I remember staring out the window hoping that this was the last strange thing to happen that night.

A few seconds later we lightly struck a mail truck (Incriminating picture has been purposefully left off).
 

When we arrived at the Middle East I felt much more at ease. We spent some time enjoying drinks and food in the lobby with some friends. In retrospect, beans, grease, and heavy spices were probably the last thing I should have eaten. I did not know that the stage was going to sweat up like a sauna… I got very few hugs after the show. David got a lot of hugs…

The concert went very well. I should have brought up a second bottle of water (or beer?). If one were to judge our performance based on how much bodily fluid we were covered in, I would say we did swimmingly.  Things got even more interesting the second we got off the stage. I had an argument with the booking lady, Pat had an argument with a cab driver, everyone else drank  and slipped away.

No Bodily Harm 

 
Let us for a second return to our previous graph.
 

 

It’s not something we did on purpose, but in the mess of loading out our equipment, recounting the night’s activities, and drinking we lost someone. I mean, full on lost someone. Let me clarify, it’s not that we just “left” someone at the club or at the practice space. We simply lost a human being. They got out of the van when no one was around and just wandered off. It is the exact same feeling you have when you lose a dog, a drunk dog, a large drunk dog, a large really drunk dog that’s actually a person.
 

We managed to scrounge up a couple large Mag-lights and began scouring the neighborhood. I think David’s neighbors thought:
 
 
A. We murdered someone and was burying them in a hole dug from inebriated screams.
B. We had lost our dog, but we were going about retrieving him in a way that would simply scare him more.
C. We were so drunk that we thought flashlights talked to Jesus.
 
 

Now, the most interesting fact is that this person (who shall remain namless) some how slipped passed all our searching, responded to ZERO name calls, ducked under the cover of the night and crawled BACK into the rear of the van. Pat, who was driving, suddenly realized some other human had just flopped down on the cold metal floor. He was now asleep. We had found him.
 

Where he was, what he did, and why he did it shall remain a mystery.
 

As we pulled away, David texted me almost immediately after. Apparently a bat had gotten into his house. If this had anything to do with the fact we covered the True Blood theme song at the show I don’t know. I would like to think it did.
 

****Imagine X-Files Theme****
 

And now for a picture trip through the rest of our weekend.

COME SAY HI ON THINGS

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www.myspace.com/lagoonaz

Lets get down to business and bang out the nuts and bolts. No idea what that means really, but it sounded good at the time.
 

SHOW
 

Just to clear some stuff up, this show is AT the MIDDLE EAST a club in Cambridge. Not, IN THE MIDDLE EAST, the area where things blow up and people get all yelly and shit.

Its going to be two weeks from tomorrow, or 1 week from next Thursday, or rather one day before 2 Fridays from now. Actually, lets just break it down like this. 
 
When: Thursday August 5th The year of our lord 2010
Time: 9:00pm  
Where: Middle East in Cambridge 
Why: Our souls crave the rock 
 
You can find all the information you can shake a stick at over on our facebook: www.facebook.com/lagoonband
 
If that wasn’t enough to wet your appetite, Jessica Frease conjured us another poster. Did I mention I love this design?
 

 
So what’s been new?

 
Well actually this has been a rough couple months. Moving, as it turns out, costs a lot. There are hidden things like shower rings, trash cans, and parking spaces that you really cant figure into your expenses.
 
Ahaha, expenses. I’m in a fucking band you think I know what expenses are? No seriously, I’m in a band, and we are horribly inefficient with money.
 
For a second don’t you wonder why uber rich musicians end up poor and so screwed up 10 years down the line? It’s because we waste our money on 400 dollar softball bats, Kayak racks, tattoos of ladies in 50’s style swimsuits, alcohol, and life size cut outs of trees blowing in wind. The only difference is we didn’t have any money to start with, so instead of 10 years from now we suffer right now. =(
 
And suffer we have. Example: Pat has been living off of a 70 dollars Dunkin Donuts gift card for the last 2 weeks.
 
But, like all things, the bad moments pass, the storm clears, and you find your happy normal. Or, happy abnormal.
 
That brings us to now. Right now….
 
Show coming up, Album cooking in LA, hope returns, and Lagoon has survived another trying time.
 
HUZZAH! 

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www.twitter.com/lagoonband

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So… WHY Did I wait this long?!??!?!
 
Reason #1: I did not want to jinx anything.
 
Reason #2: I was tired, oh so tired.
 

We finished recording the album.
 
I am allowed to say that now without ruining anything.
 
Let me describe you the moment of culmination:
 
Pat, after literally 100 takes of the guitar solo for “Never Leaving New England,” let out a recorded guttural yell that would make any man insta-fist pump. I think it was fate, or providence, that the album would finish on the very weekend we were leaving our home. I think that house, a stoic reminder of what nature does to an unkempt human dwelling, gave up the last little bit of its life for us.
 
“Goodbye Lagoon, take with you my message of apple orchards and 200 years of abuse.”
 
But, honestly, there is something to be said here. I really think that negative emotions, either depression,  or sadness really is the soil in which good music grows. That house, our situation, took a little something from all of us. And we gave it back to our music.
 
I am curious, when all this is said and done and after the album is mixed and produced, if there is still that shred of sadness. I guarantee it will be there.

 
Now, what is funny (or mean) is that when we first moved to Boston we realized that David was far happier than he had been in a long time. I mean it was weird, really weird. He was drinking a lot of martinis, just lovin’ life and the fact he was in a new place.
 
The band had considered taking action, since, as we have discussed, David is a far more prolific songwriter when he is sad:

 
How to Depress David
 

 
Any of you who know David understand that he is a very interesting fellow. He likes rich cheese, colorful things, and nice clothes. And as band, if we were going to make him sad we wouldn’t want to hurt him really, just sadden him severely.
 
 

#1 Moths

 

 
This is actually an intricate ploy. What we would have to do would be to sneak into David’s house and use a hole punch to put maybe 1 or 2 holes into every article of clothing David owns (including shoes, so maybe a leather punch).
 
Oddly, he probably wouldn’t notice until he was at work, or a fancy party, or whatever else David does… And… inevitably, if asked, we could just say that moths did it, very precise circular eating moths that also like leather.
 

#2 Dog Vomit

 
 
(I will purposely not include a picture here)
 
Now, David has an issue. If he sees vomit, especially dog vomit, he will also vomit. It’s a cycle of continuous vomitus that could kill, so we have to be careful here less we permanently injure our friend in some sort of perpetual gag-heave. For a moment, you have to suspend disbelief and just grant us (the evil part of lagoon) the ability to procure a large amount of Dog Vomit. I have a feeling that, as David is reading this, he is probably already gagging.
 
The prank would start by placing a large amount of dog vomit under David’s pillow before he fell asleep. Then after, the initial shock and inevitable David reactionary vomit, he would run to the bathroom, where we would have filled his medicine cabinet and toilet bowl also with vomit. After which, finally, as David calmed down and went to the fridge for some water, he would find that we have filled all available containers, jars, and jugs with vomit. Cold Refrigerated water puffed dog food vomit.
 
We would probably have to end there, but repeat this process at least once a week to keep David sad and malnourished.
 
This would be easy to blame on someone else, because humans don’t dog vomit. Dogs do. And David has two dogs, one of which is a prankster.

The only problem with this plan is David’s wife, as she is just an innocent bystander in a malicious vomitus-vomitus cycle.
 
 

#3 Kayak Rack

 

 
If there is anything in this world that David likes more than Kayaks its Kayak racks. So, we would just smash his kayak rack. OH WHAT WOULD HE DO DURING THOSE PERFECT SUMMER KAYAK DAYS!?
 
(This is probably depressing David already for a different reason)
 

#4 BEES

 

 
David has an interesting Tattoo in the shape of big honey bees encircling his arm. One could deduce from that fact that he likes the furry little creatures. That is false. He is deathly afraid of them. I mean deathly. David has the ability to sing in many pitches, but, when he sees a Bee (not even one that is near him), he will chant in almost an inaudibly high pitched way “BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE,” while flailing uncontrollably (he has knocked over little old ladies).
 
I have told David many times in the past that I think we should lock him in a dark room with many angry Bees just so he could finally get over his phobia. I mean, he is not allergic, and if the room is large enough he probably wouldn’t even get stung THAT much.
 
Apparently that would kill David, as he has told me before.
 
So, what would we do?
 
First we would drug David and drag him into the basement and chain him to a chair. Then would dress Pat in a very large furry bee costume and have him lumber out of the darkness and just walk around him singing “Bee Bee Bee Bee” in a really low voice. The key to this would be to not actually DO anything to David, and then return him to his bed. He would then think it was a dream. We would repeat this process at least 3 times a week until the insomnia and mental state broke him down. Then, once we have solidified the psychological snap, we could just leave little patches of Bee fur around and trigger a whole new round of crazy.
 
How would we deny this? We don’t. I would agree with him, tell him that I have the same weird bee torture dream everynight and that it is SO WEIRD.
 
It is my hope that David actually gets sad on his own. I know that’s kind of messed up in itself to wish for someone’s sadness, but, the product of it is so awesome. I mean SO AWESOME. You’ll see… Soon atually. ahahahaha
 
 

Well friends, I hope now that we have moved I can get back in to the routine of talking to you more often.
 
Oh… also, if you have any good ideas for the album name please send them to us, or tweet them, or Tattoo them on your buttocks.

www.lagoononline.com

 
www.twitter.com/lagoonband

 
www.facebook.com/lagoonband

 
www.myspace.com/lagoonaz
 

 So whats new!?

 
Since you can’t talk back to me I’ll just tell you what’s new with me. I love this form of communication. I get to brag and tell you stuff and you just listen. Ahahahaha. Wow. That was mean. I’m sorry… But no, I got some serious stuff to talk about.
 

It feels like right now is a great time to reflect on life. I know I have been. David and his wife moved out of the band house. Me, Pat, and Marisa are moving down town. This little period of transition has allowed us all to take a break from our craft. We are all still very motivated, but I think we needed this; a small respite to recharge our batteries.
 

Sometimes I wish that my life were different, that perhaps I found pleasure in something else besides music. There is inherent frustration with loving something, an activity, a craft that is so purely based on luck. It is draining. Sometimes I feel like I am taking my energy and just tossing it into this endless abyss (an analogy from Deuce Bigalo comes to mind about a toothpick in a volcano… I’ll leave it at that).
 

Those feelings are normally fleeting. I then recall the gratification of it all personally, and to be honest, I should not base my merits (especially in music) upon the opinion of others or its popularity. I know in my heart everything will work out as it should. Just got to push a little everyday. Also, I am reminded of you guys, the people reading this, that have made this journey thus far so worth it. And thank you for all your help, and support. I say that a lot, but it means so much to us. You have been with us through everything, even before I was in the band… So Holy Shit… maybe I should end the pity party before I make a mistake.
 

 

No, I said Mistake.
 
 

So, things with the band are actually going quite well. Marisa right now is promoting in LA with our good friend TheHawk: pushing the Lagoon Gospel.
 
The album is coming along. The move really took a toll on this timetable but we are working through it as fast as we can. Really only about 3 parts left until the entire album is done recording, then off to LA to get loved on.
 
So life is good. Very Good. 
 
Except.
 

This scared the shit out of me.

So, anyone who follows the stock market knows that yesterday (Thursday 05-06-10) the stock market randomly fell 1000 points in the middle of the day. That is really scary. So… To be honest, when I saw that plunge I figured something was wrong. They have had technical glitches with the market before (it is a system, systems have glitches).  What is really frightening is that they believe one person put a “B” for billions instead of an “M” for millions…. Ok you are telling me that ONE missed keystroke tore down the US stock exchange? Holy shit.  Can you imagine what it was like to be that guy?
 
*wavy imagine lines*
 
 
La la la, I work for a large firm, la la la.

I’m going to be a trade.

I think I want to sell 10 million shares.
 
*casual typing*
 
I am so happy to be a trader.

La la la.

Wait… Something is wrong.
 
HOLY SHIT I PUT BILLION INSTEAD OF MILLION

OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO

OMG THAT TRIGGERED LIKE 10000 STOP LOSSES ON VARIOUS COMPUTERS

OMG THE STOCK MARKET IS CRASHING
 
OMG… I’m going to lose my job…. OMG…. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO STARVE… OMG… Think of the puppies… THINK OF THE PUPPIES I’M KILLING. OMG… OMG…
 
* pane of glass crashes*

*body tumbles 50 stories*
 
 
Now in reading that you might wonder a few things…. Probably how stocks effect puppies. I know I wondered the same thing, and there is really no correlation but whenever something goes bad I imagine something is smashing puppies. Usually it’s a robot smashing puppies.
 
Ok, back to real life. So the one human keystroke error is bad, but the real problem is the fact that computers handle a majority of our stock trades. These computers are programmed in very black and white manners. IE: if a stock goes below a certain number, then sell X amount of shares. So, that puppy killing retard trader might have put in a “B” instead of an “M” but the real problem is that 50,000 computers executed automatic trades in a split second…. CRASH GOES THE MARKET. *shivers*
  
 
 
I’ve actually been kinda sad since we ran out of models before weeks. Sad days. Very sad days. Ok not that sad. COME PLAY WITH US.
 

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I actually think this song is as timely now as it was then…

Lyrics:

turn around this time this time turn
around this time its time to remind you
want your price of mind you try to divide
you try to divide your logic hides behind
you will not resign but i want to remind
your flag of barbed-wire words falls
backwords in time, you try to rewind turn
around this time this time turn around
this time its time to remind this moments
burning bright we will not go blind
telecast your divide your dollar paid this
dime so let me remind someone made
this design your motives speak in rhyme
with the worst of the minds cross the
water hear the rhythm sounds and I have
just begun turn around this time this time
turn around this time its time to remind
your logic hides behind the worst of the
kind the worst human kind your dollar
paid this “crime” each time you’re in line
eachtime you’re in line your motives speak
in rhyme with the wretched of times, the
worst human kind

download for free here

If no one was hiring illegals to avoid employment laws/employment tax/minimum wage, illegals would stop coming to this country for work. If Americans were filling the jobs in the orchards and as day laborers there would be no jobs left for illegals. It’s really that simple.

“can I see your papers please?” is not only unamerican, it’s damn near fascist.

So, you may have noticed that our blog was hacked last weekend. If you did not notice you are just NOT READING THIS ENOUGH OMG. Break

 After some brief notes, I am going to dedicate this entire blog to our would-be hacker. Exploring every facet of his being and probable motivation for tainting this exquisite place.

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SHOW

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Ok… This is easy… Tomorrow… yes TOMORROW, we have a show at the Cantab Lounge in Cambridge with our good friends The Narrow Channels.
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Poster design by David Ziggleman-Vollster Poleman Dingo:
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Funny story, I walked into the Cantab to hang up these posters last week. I went downstairs to find “Mickey” the guy that runs the club. I walk into a pitch-black basement/bar and searched the wall for a light switch. Suddenly, I heard a voice “Hey Charlie, is that you.”

Break
Ok, so I was a little scared. I told the guy I was just the bass player from Lagoon looking to hang posters. Turns out, Mickey was taking a nap on the stage. When he flipped the lights on I saw that he was playing jazz music from an old radio, and had some incense lit. I hung posters and got the F out of there. All this being said, I think it’s going to be a great show.
Break
Break

DEAR HACKER WTF

Break
So, I guess I should be proud because hackers apparently only target blogs that are popular. This must mean you like me. You really really like me. In all honesty though, what the fuck? The fact that some douche makes a living by embedding fake Paypal code into websites makes me violently ill (the type of ill where it comes out of both ends, and you gotta use the tub and the toilet). The reason why this irks me so much is that we actually employ the REAL paypalfor all our donations; the primary way we get money for a craft. Thank you for shitting on our hard work and dedication to a non-traditional lifestyle. Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you, our fans, the only reaons I live and breathe =(
Break

So, instead of having a pity party,  I have put it upon myself to find who this person is. Thusly, I have compiled a list of probably suspects:
Break

#1. The Hamburgler

 Break

Break

Probably Scenario:

Two years ago, on the brink of death after a quadruple bypass, The Hamburlger re-dedicated his life to crime… Cybercrime. Pent up in his house, 300 pounds overweight, his only means of communication was a small Lenovo Laptop. He trolled the Internet for targets: people with views contrary to his own.
Break
Motivation:

Lagoon, innocently, has dedicated itself to the betterment of animal-kind in a number of ways (white heart video). The Hamburgler, angry that most of the band (sans Patmeatfaceeater) really does not enjoy red meat.
Break
The Crime:

Late one evening after eating some Ding Dongs, Licorice, and any other black and white themed food, the Hamburgler snuck onto our web-page by guessing Pat’spassword of “SillyNanny” and implanted the code. Rabble! Rabble!
Break

2. Nargels

Break
(You might be wondering.. well.. what does a Nargel look like? Just look in the mirror. Oh I’m kidding, actually they are invisible. So suck it. )
Break

Probable Scenario:

Sick of stealing socks and knickknacks from children, the Nargels set their target on something bigger: Google. Poised as Chinese hackers they attacked Google’s central password server, only to get a hold of ONE password, which belonged to an unlucky Lagoon band member.
Break
Motvation:

 Seething with anger at their failure, the Chinese, I mean Nargles, became wrought with fury. They had to take it out on someone, that someone happened to be us.
Break
The Crime:

 Hiding in mistletoe and waiting for the right moment, the Nargels embedded the foreign code on our server. Needing money for boats and swimsuits, they hoped dearly we wouldn’t find it.
Break

3. Gnomes

Break

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Probable Scenario:

Grumpy, small, and wonderful tinkerers, these creatures put it upon themselves to tear down the very infrastructure that was portraying them as retarded old weirdos hawking cheap Travel fair.
Break
Motivation:

I have always made my love for the “David the Gnome” cartoon series a prevalent theme in everything I do. Turns out Gnomes hate David… Not David our lead singer, but David the Gnome. Gnomes might also hate David our lead singer too. Shit, I just don’t know anymore.
Break
The Crime:

Late one night, Marisa was looking for a cheap hotel near a turtle farm in Winchester, New York. Unknowingly, when she clicked on that cute red capped little bastard she was PHISHED. All her passwords STOLEN. Our blog… COMPROMISED.
Break

4. Some Douche

Break

Break
Probably Scenario: 

Angry at life, society, the pressures of actually getting a real job, Some Douche learned how to hack wordpress blogs. Using Paypal as the bate, he would lure in Internet patrons to give up their passwords/logins.
Break
Motivation:

Seeing Lagoon as a both the paradigm of popular music and the epitome of physical excellence made this douche very angry.
Break
The Crime:

Targeting a blog that is intended for fun, and good nature, he sought to destroy one  this band’s great portals to its listeners.
Break
This has all left me feeling both vulnerable and angry (kind of like last weekend, yuck yuck). I needed something to cheer me up. Aside from smashing my face into my keyboard repeatedly, I bring to you a new blog feature:
Break

Lagoon Cultural Models: Jersey Folk

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POUAXCVPIOUKL:JSEFPOIUZXC:J APOIU XVPIOUAE:LKAJ VEPIOU:

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So how are you? You get that “thing” removed yet?

Band NEWS

Hi. We decided that going until JUNE to play our next show was far too long. So, we booked another shin-dig at the Cantab lounge for Friday April 23rd.

I apologize for @lagoonmarisa’s inability to take pictures

The show details are not nailed out. I will be making a facebook event group with all that fabulous stuff, so come join us. Like last time, expect a small packed bar that is very loud with poor sound quality, cheap drinks, and men that comment on how the color of your scarf looks like “pussy.” Luckily I wasn’t offended. Actually nothing offends me anymore. Except people that wear too much perfume, that is horribly offensive. MY BURNING OLFACTORIES.

Ipad Fever!?

I do not understand the buzz about this. It is missing basic hardware, and falls into some gray zone between a computer and a book reader? To be honest, I think Apple really doesn’t care. They know they can release a quasi-cool item and every hipster will buy one as a coffee table accent. Now, granted, it’s neat, it’s sleek, it’s fast, it does what it is supposed to do well (which most Microsoft/windows based items simply cannot say), but does anyone NEED it?

There is an argument to be made here that hipsters simply NEED Apple devices to survive. Some medical documents (published by the AMA) have suggested that Hipsters blood is part Apple, called Iblood. Like vampires they simply cannot survive without being surrounded by and in constant contact with Apple devices. Side effects of this condition are easy to spot: Shrinkage of jeans, Ironic facial hair growth, Pompous attitude, plaid, neon sunglasses, and no testicles. Removal of these individuals from their environment will often kill them, or in some cases cause them to vomit from awkwardness when they realize, blatantly, that they are simply devoid of any real creativity, and have just been following a trend.

Here is what Apple, or someone ( I don’t care) needs to create:

“The tricorder incorporates several sensor clusters, multi-channel communications assemblies, and multiple databank modules. Encompassing visual displays and standard graphic touch pad interface, it provides easy means for on the spot archive retrieval, the recording of away mission events, and constant scientific measurements including biological, geographical or meteorological. Tricorders could also be used for tasks such as recording time trials or interfacing with starship systems such as forcefield controls. They are also capable of playing holographic messages and feature a built in universal translator”

(It takes a different breed of nerd to write this shit up, don’t get me wrong, I love it, I love Star Trek, but good lord you gotta be nerdy)

Now, I know most of these technologies do not exist, but I KNOW for a fact, with current technology they could make the laptop, the digital camera and the cell phone obsolete with one device. The specs on even an Iphone would make my first computer look ridiculous. So Apple, stop fucking around, stop releasing intermediate luxury buttpuff devices, make the Ieverything and turn us all into hipsters.

This week’s Featured Model: Irony

Instead of doing this week’s model, I am just going to post more pictures of Hipsters.

Come join us on things with other stuff in it:

www.lagoononline.com

www.twitter.com/lagoonband

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I am not going to lie. I screwed up a little. I forgot the MODEL in the last blog. So… I got to thinking.. Why not give the models their OWN BLOG? is that too much to ask. I mean… They are sexy.. They take great pictures… They deserve their own entry. OK, enough talking more modeling. Here is Isaiah Lucas. Enjoy.

You can find more pictures on our facebook

We are going to keep a collection of ALL the models there for your enjoyment; for everyone’s enjoyment.

We will be featuring one model per week until we run out of models… or weeks.

Thanks again to Vanessa Athens @VanessaAthens for putting this together, and to Hansel Tsai for your photography skills.

Check our store for frequently updated merchandise, and if you want the SEAFOAM shirt (a Jessica Frease design) you can get them from Café Press here: Cafe Press

Short. Sweet. Models.

Well, not that the models are short, or sweet for that matter. I’ve never actually tasted a model. Wait, I take that back. There was that one time I tasted in a model in Mexico. At least part of a model.

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So… what happened?

Well, a couple things:

1. I went on a fatcation. That’s slightly different from a vacation; you replace all other physical activities with eating.

2. @davidtornado broke the blog. I would be mad at him but he was trying to make it better. And by better, I mean he was going to implement a poop colored theme. Sawweeeeetttttt.

I have missed you so much. What have you been up to? Hahaha, like you can actually talk back to me. I feel like you’re the type of person that also names their soap. How’s Charlie… you know… Charlie your soap bar?

WE’RE MOVING…. NOT FAR…. NOT BACK TO TUCSON

So after 2 years in our current home we decided to vacate. As sad as it might be… All of the Lagoonies will not be living together. @Davidtornado and his wonderful wife Heidi are headed to the quaint and hip locale of Jamaica Plain. Me, @lagoonmarisa, and @macpattys are headed to the boisterous party central area near the BU campus (I expect Pat and I to be drinking nothing but $2.50 PBR’s for the next year or two).

Looks like we are going to start up playing shows again in June after the album is done…

Wait… did you catch that…

I said DONE.

So, although you might think we have been slowly drowning ourselves in malt, liquor and any combination of the two, we have actually been working steadily on the album. We only have ONE SONG left to record and send off to LA.

If you are wondering about the process… let me explain. We record the songs. We send the tracks to my good friend Jeff in Hollywood, who then rubs himself all over them. Finally we master them, and they come out sounding like our last two singles: New Singles

Here is a photo of Jeff in action:

HOLY SH*T PEOPLE ACTUALLY DID THAT?

So, this section of the blog was inspired by  watching the national geographic channel in flannel pants. I happened to flip to this amazing documentary called “Wild China.” All I can say is, “WOW.” Aside from the awesome wrinkly old dude who uses sparrow-nesting omens to plant his rice crop, there was an insane visual representation of the Great Wall.

Uh… over 8,000 kilometers built by hand. For a second ( a brief second), I was so utterly disgusted by my own milkshake drinking laziness that a popped out of my couch groove. As I grew faint from the violent way I disrupted by posture, I began to wonder about what other fantabulous things people have built?

#4 Angkor Wat?

Why it’s cool?

Built initially in 1113BC this thing is old, I mean… even older than @davidtornado. Not only that, the towers look like penises or boobs. Anything that can look kinda like a penis and kinda like a boob has to be awesome.

What was it?

Part city capital- part religious center-all awesome.

What is it now?

A place to take your snot nosed kids… as long as you are willing to brave Cambodia, malaria filled mosquitoes, and 600,000 other tourists.

#3 The Acropolis

Why it’s cool?

First settled in 5000 BC, it houses one of my favorite structures: The Parthenon. This gigantic marble structure was built to honor Athena. She is so awesome… She popped out of Zeus’s head fully armed, and even gave birth a child through her leg. Immaculate? Oh ya.

What was it?

Aside from having the most awesome name on the list, this hilltop was the cultural center of Athens Greece, the modern day equivalent to say… well Capitol Hill minus the partisan assholes it now harbors. Yes that was a political slight… in some way. Err, ok…

What is it now?

This wonderful Show went on from 1989 to 1992 (and this is not a joke).

Here’s a brief synopsis:

 Papa departs on a visit to his beloved Greece, but his heart stays behind in Melbourne, Australia. Rather than entrust his beloved Acropolis café to his only son, Jim, he insists on putting someone more sensible in charge. Jim’s pal, Ricky, has brains – he’s been a College student! But even Ricky can’t restrain Jim from going ahead with a great new plan… Jim wants to make the Acropolis the ‘in’ place to be seen – resulting in a goldmine, mate! He renovates and renames all that’s left of Papa’s quiet domain, except his trusted waiter, Memo, who’s the epitome of the Greek male. “Acropolis Now” is born. But where are the yuppies? Family and friends are still dropping in for the occasional free meal. Ricky can’t see any profits, and Jim can’t get away from his other inheritance – being Greek.

#2 The Pyramids at Giza

Why is it cool?

It’s a big fucking Triangle, or Pyramid rather. It’s big… It’s pointy. How cool is that though. Honestly, so cooooool. Some things are just better when they are big. Yuck Yuck.

What was it?

It was a place for my ancestors to die, and for Egyptians to pay homage to pharaohs. It’s funny to think that now-a-days, when people die, we either burn them or chuck em in the ground in a box.

Sad, no one is going to build you a GIGANTIC STONE PYRAMID are they? Imagine if people starting building your tomb the day you were born. Thousands of slaves working and smoothing limestone blocks. Uh… That is such a very odd thought.

Also imagine getting buried with all your worldly possessions? A chamber full of old video games and unused Kayak racks. It sucks even more for the people who outlive you: No inheritance, no extra goats, no extra wives. I am not going to lie, that would work in preventing trust-fund babies like my landlords from being born.

What is it now?

Same shit, different day. No honestly, it’s amazingly well preserved. I am starting to think my answer to “what is it now” is going to be the same for all of these. IT’S A DAMN TOURIST ATTRACTION. Nice category Jake… grr..

#1 Chichén Itzá

Why is it cool?

The coolest thing about Chicken Pizza, aside from being gigantic and stone, is that it was where the Mayans sacrificed humans. Lets just go down our list of awesomeness shall we?

Gigantic – Check
Man-Made – Check
Killed Humans – Check
Played games with their heads – Check
Hidden in the Jungle- Check
Panthers – Check
Mel Gibson movie made about it? – Check

What was it?

Part temple, part city, this place was fed water year round by converging underground rivers. Until… you know, when the Mayans decided to fly off in their space ship and make stupid predictions about the future that would ultimately lead to John Cusack playing a lead roll in an action film. I am sure if they realized that was going to happen, it would have been more like 2212. Long after John was dead.

What is it now?

No longer as awesome, because it has been associated with John Sucksack.

So, dont leave me, please…. baby… dont… DONT LEAVE ME

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