Lagoon Update: Ello Gov’nah, 5 Reality TV Shows That Must Be Made

24
Aug
0

  

 

 

Hi, It’s Jacob, your resident Lagoon Crazy person. You look really nice today, I see the rash has cleared up. Lets begin shall we?

 

HI LAGOON WHATCHA DOIN?

Another productive week in the books, and Lagoon is really close to sending their 4th track to LA to be mixed. This is an extremely exciting time.

If you didn’t know, Lagoon is an independent organization, as well as a small body of water. This does not mean we don’t hope to one day be signed, but it does means we can do really cool stuff as far as how we get musak to you guys.

As you know, in May, we put our previous two albums up on our homepage (www.lagoononline.com) so you could download all our tracks for free. It was our way of giving back to our fans who have support us for the almost 6 years our band has been together making music. Since then, the site has gotten 227,000 hits, and in August alone more than 800 song downloads. On top of that, it seems a lot of you opted to pay for the music from Itunes, and it is so rewarding and uplifting to us to receive that. Every bit helps.

All we have to say is, thank you so much. Really. The response has been amazing, and it has been your voice telling others about us that has brought us to almost 30,000 followers on twitter (@Lagoonband). Now that’s the power of communication at work.

Most recently, this has led to Lagoon being played on the BBC in a show featuring the best new music from the Internet. We were the first song featured on the program. It was an amazing experience.

The new music is going to be coming out really soon. I can’t wait to tweet, blip, myspace, and facebook all of it to you guys. I hope you guys feel like you are a part of this all, because you are, we are nothing without our fans.

Just to maintain the air of mystery, I wont reveal the rest of all that is glorious.

We love you. Healthy kind of love though, not creepy… like going to follow you around with Pool Noodle and smack you everytime you say “Stop.”

 

Ok, now on to the craziness I normally write about in this blog that will probably offend some of you after I just warmed your heart. Ahahahahahaha. Oops. And I use some foul language… SORRY.

 

5 Reality TV Shows That Need to be Created

1. John and Kate Minus 8

The premise of this show is easy; in the middle of the night you kidnap all their children. Then, each episode you place one of those cute little buggers in a 4×4 foot Plexiglas cubicle and hide them in a metropolitan cultural center. Armed with only their wits, and a few small clues, John and Kate must save their child. It would be a mix between Lethal Weapon and forced marriage counseling.

This is quite mean.

This show would only be approximately 9 episodes long, the finale being when we kidnap John.

2. Real World: Sub-Sahara Africa

I remember when this show first came out, and for a few seasons the people on it were actually… well… Real. What happened between then and now was an infection by the alluring temptress of our douche bag personal imagery that has since spread to most of America. Subsequently, this show has since devolved into a steaming crap heap. No one on this program is real, as the now ironic title would suggest. So, how to bring this show back to reality?

 

RUN!

 

What is more real than watching floundering socialites scatter from voracious wild animals in a totally foreign environment. Nothing. I dare say nothing.

3. Bear Grylls – Calcutta India

I have watched this man stab a reindeer, kill it, drink its blood, and take a bite of its heart. In no way is this teaching me how to survive, this is just some overly zealous cockbag showing off his unabashed bravado on an innocent animals. I fail to believe that there are that many snakes, rodents, and abandoned cabins in the “wilderness” just waiting to get raped by Bear Grylls. So, how do we fix this show? Send him to Calcutta.

I know this picture is more lame than the others.

No amount of urinating on yourself, Bear, will ever save you from mobs of angry people tearing apart your expensive Northface jackets and highfalutin survival gear. My only hope is that someone takes a bite out of you while you’re still alive.

(On a further note, I have heard Bear Grylls being described as the new Chuck Norris, I am sorry but Chuck Norris’s farts are more badass than he’ll ever be)

4. True Life – I’m an Oompa Loompa

If you are like me, and I know you are, you believe that Willy Wonka was not only real but also still exists today in an underground cavern south of Hoboken New Jersey. This show would profile a recently fired Oompa Loompa named Larry as he attempts to get a new profession in the harsh real world.

What do you get when you guzzle down crack?

This would be a treatise on the pitfalls of our capitalist society, as we realize that Larry, sad, alone, and addicted to white chocolate heroine, is doomed to live a life on the street performing tricks for passerbys.

5. Job (Like from the Bible)

The premise of this show involves scouting out some of the most self-righteous televangelists, and then putting them in a biblical style reign of terror. The show would start from simple things like a flat tire, and end with the staged murdering of their entire family. The production of this show would take months of research, bribing and hidden camera placement. Then, at any point, if they renounce their faith they lose and in front of millions of people.

The Bible is amazing

I know what you’re thinking, that’s so MEAN. But is it? When they lose the show they will be compensated with large sums of money, and I have come to understand that was what they were after in the first place. And just like the bible, any “winners” of the show will get nothing. Ah, the meek shall inherit the earth.

 

That’s it for now! Feel free to tweet me anything want to see on the blog, or ideas about the music. Oh ya, follow us on facebook too… I know one social network isnt enough: www.facebook.com/lagoonband

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hello BBC

22
Aug
0

Hi all,

David here. Looks like Lagoon will be played on BBC’s programme “fresh on the Net” tonight. Now, if we could only persuade these Yanks to do the same. Why is it we are only understood across the Atlantic? Is it because of my weird accent? Is it because I love Fish and Chips? My penchant for crossdressing? Anyway… more info here:

BBC Introducing with Tom Robinson on 6music

In the meantime, I am sequestered in the studio readying for recording some piano. Or as Morrissey would say, “Peee-An-Oooo”.

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Lagoon Update: Stay Classy, Progress, Tattoo Defined

11
Aug
0
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Progress report

Don’t show this to your mother

As of now, we have 2 songs being mixed and another that is almost ready to go to LA.  Pretty crazy.  Getting excited…. SO EXCITED!  To be honest, I can’t wait to start playing shows again. Until then, I’ll have to noodle on my bass for hours in solitude in preparation for recording. Also, any of you who want a more “intimate” lagoon experience (*wink wink*), join us on facebook: www.facebook.com/lagoonband Also, check out our homepage for free downloads and all kinds of love: www.lagoononline.com

 Ok. On to the total nonsense.

 

Enter the Skank Flank

I don’t remember how long ago that the notorious “Tramp Stamp” was all the rage. I am not going to lie, at first it was attractive, kind of like a brand that showed you which cows were ready to give milk.

Flowers Mask Poop

The Tramp stamp has since died off, but alas, now arises the SKANK FLANK!

 

FLANK IT

I have to admit I did not coin this term, actually the tattoo artist that I use, Andrew ( from Fat Rams Pumpkin Tattoo in Jamaica plain who is awesome) was the first to mention it to me. He also told me that the number of women inkin’ their flanks has increased dramatically in the last couple years. In an attempt to tell the future, I want to try to predict what will come next after the skank flank:

Prostitute Face
Slime Thigh
Classless Ass
Hooker Handles
Nympho Nether-ink
Loose Lips
Working Girl Wobble

And my favorite

The Slut Butt

What will they think of next, sheeesh.

 

“Classy” The most abused word of 2009

At a bar on Saturday night I was nursing a whiskey on the rocks and slipping into space. The front door was cattycorner to where I was sitting, and I happened to spot an interesting woman walk in. She was drunk and struggling to pull her reflective tube top  over her bust, as she motioned for a bartender. The excited fellow next her to offered to buy her a drink:

“I’ll get something for ya if you want”

“sure.”

“What do you want? I’m having a Bud Light, want one”

In an extremely snide tone, the lady turned to the man, picking glumps of mascara off her eyelashes and said,

“Who do you think I am, I am a classy lady”

She proceeded to make this poor sap buy her a Heineken, which we all know is the classiest of beers. Then without even thanking him, she just walked off into the crowd. As I witnessed this, I realized that “classy” is the most grossly misused word uttered by women today.

Lets review a bit. What does classy mean? Well, by definition it means: having or reflecting high standards of personal behavior, admirably skillful and graceful. Possessing elegance, the attribute of being tastefully designed, decorated and maintaining refined grace and dignified propriety. But aside from the formal definition of classy, there is also a certain… well… “Je ne sais quoi” that goes with it. Every man will agree with this.

Herein lies a bit of information that every person should understand:

IF YOU EVER TELL SOMEONE YOU ARE CLASSY YOU ALREADY ARE NOT

I put “classy” into a category of self-depreciating words, whereas the more they are mentioned the less effective they become.

Here are a few more examples:

1.  If you have to tell someone you’re famous, you are not famous.
2. If you tell someone you are modest or humble, you clearly are not.
3.  If you have to tell someone you’re powerful, you can suck it.

Why don’t these statements work? It is because the condition of being “Classy” or “Modest” requires action not a statement. In fact, the statement itself is detriment to the condition since it goes without saying! Take for example “respect.” One cannot ask someone to respect them. It is earned. Ergo, actions rather than statements are required, same with class.

Most people say, “I am classy” because they truly want to be, fail to understand how, and proclaim that they are. It’s a way of self-reassuring. I have even seen complete abominations of this word used in oxymoronic statements such as “Classy Bitch.” Uh, ok… That’s like an “Upstanding Murderer,” or a “Moral Prostitute.”

I would even venture as far to say that stating

“I am not classy”

is more effective than

“I am classy”

At least the first leaves a shred of room for sarcasm.

Stay Classy America.

 

A Tattoo Meaning in depth: Heaven And Earth

It took me 25 years of my life until I got my first tattoo. For the last 5 years or so I have wanted one, but I had not felt it was “right.” I felt like it was one of those things you cannot rush, and if you do you’ll regret it.

David (@davidtornado) was kind enough to lend his keen eye and amazing graphic design ability to create something splendid for me. I wanted to make sure that it stood for something, and wasn’t just an arbitrary symbol on my arm.

So here are some stages:

Here is David’s original design

LAGOON

First, this is just the black outline; I posted this on twitter a little while ago:

LAGOON

And here is the finished, filled in product:

LAGOON

But Jacob, what does it all MEAN!?

The overall design is a caduceus, the staff of mercury and the common symbol for medicine in North America. This is directly related to my parents. My dad’s a Doctor, their family business is a Medical Center in Arizona, and I grew up around medicine. Health, well-being and medicine are extremely large portions of my young life, and my current life.

There is also another meaning behind the staff. I am also somewhat of an astrology buff, and my ruling planet is mercury. My sister’s ruling planet, and my mom’s ruling planet are also Mercury.

The deepest meaning behind the design pertains to my belief system about G-d, heaven, and life in general. I have always believed the religion is simply the medium by which one communicates to G-d (or supernatural or whatever you want to call it). The placement of the Star of David at the top of the staff represents how I translate earthly activity (The snakes) up into heaven or the supernatural (the wings). The Star of David at the top could be replaced by anything, be it a cross, or any religious symbol.

For me, the Star of David symbol is also not just an arbitrary choice. Not only is Judaism how I was raised, the symbol also represents the balance between the earthly and the divine.

More Random Facts:

Basic:
The bass clef on the bottom represents my love for music… and bass playing.
The Caduceus was originally born by Iris, the Messenger of the G-ds who linked the Earth with Heaven. (Furthering the basic metaphor of the tattoo)
Iris is my mom’s favorite flower, and believed to be the G-d of creativity

Astrological:
Snakes are a Libran symbol, my Sun sign is Libra.
Six is the lucky number of Libra, hence the six pointed star, six dots around them, and six curves of the snakes.
Six represents family and symbolizes the home, parents, healers and counselors. It is representative of domestic bliss, responsibility, compassion, marriage and devotion. Six is also associated with fraternity and brotherhood…or sorority and sisterhood. It is the common bond of closeness between people, representing love, nurturing, harmony and justice.
In biblical numerology, six is the Number of Man. Man was created on the sixth day and labors for six days only. The Serpent was also created on the sixth day.
(And no, I do not believe in 666, I am Jewish, there is no devil you crazy bastards =P)

Mercury is the ruling planet of Virgo, my sister’s and mother’s Sun sign
(For those other astrology buffs I am a Virgo Rising and Virgo Moon Sign. Also, Mercury is the ruling planet of Gemini, which is my North Node)

I think that’s it… phew.

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