Lagoon Update: I’m Still Alive, I’m Just Very Badly Burned

3
Jun
0

 
 Well hi. I feel a little awkward it’s been so long. You know that feeling when you haven’t gotten your hair cut in 3 months, and you sit down in the chair and you’re about to profess “I’m sorry I let it get this bad.” But then you realize you also didn’t shower, and you went to some foam party the night before, where the foam was flavored like bacon, and some guy rubbed cigars on your face? That’s about how I feel.
 

So… WHY Did I wait this long?!??!?!
 
Reason #1: I did not want to jinx anything.
 
Reason #2: I was tired, oh so tired.
 

We finished recording the album.
 
I am allowed to say that now without ruining anything.
 
Let me describe you the moment of culmination:
 
Pat, after literally 100 takes of the guitar solo for “Never Leaving New England,” let out a recorded guttural yell that would make any man insta-fist pump. I think it was fate, or providence, that the album would finish on the very weekend we were leaving our home. I think that house, a stoic reminder of what nature does to an unkempt human dwelling, gave up the last little bit of its life for us.
 
“Goodbye Lagoon, take with you my message of apple orchards and 200 years of abuse.”
 
But, honestly, there is something to be said here. I really think that negative emotions, either depression,  or sadness really is the soil in which good music grows. That house, our situation, took a little something from all of us. And we gave it back to our music.
 
I am curious, when all this is said and done and after the album is mixed and produced, if there is still that shred of sadness. I guarantee it will be there.

 
Now, what is funny (or mean) is that when we first moved to Boston we realized that David was far happier than he had been in a long time. I mean it was weird, really weird. He was drinking a lot of martinis, just lovin’ life and the fact he was in a new place.
 
The band had considered taking action, since, as we have discussed, David is a far more prolific songwriter when he is sad:

 
How to Depress David
 

 
Any of you who know David understand that he is a very interesting fellow. He likes rich cheese, colorful things, and nice clothes. And as band, if we were going to make him sad we wouldn’t want to hurt him really, just sadden him severely.
 
 

#1 Moths

 
LAGOON
 
This is actually an intricate ploy. What we would have to do would be to sneak into David’s house and use a hole punch to put maybe 1 or 2 holes into every article of clothing David owns (including shoes, so maybe a leather punch).
 
Oddly, he probably wouldn’t notice until he was at work, or a fancy party, or whatever else David does… And… inevitably, if asked, we could just say that moths did it, very precise circular eating moths that also like leather.
 

#2 Dog Vomit

 
 
(I will purposely not include a picture here)
 
Now, David has an issue. If he sees vomit, especially dog vomit, he will also vomit. It’s a cycle of continuous vomitus that could kill, so we have to be careful here less we permanently injure our friend in some sort of perpetual gag-heave. For a moment, you have to suspend disbelief and just grant us (the evil part of lagoon) the ability to procure a large amount of Dog Vomit. I have a feeling that, as David is reading this, he is probably already gagging.
 
The prank would start by placing a large amount of dog vomit under David’s pillow before he fell asleep. Then after, the initial shock and inevitable David reactionary vomit, he would run to the bathroom, where we would have filled his medicine cabinet and toilet bowl also with vomit. After which, finally, as David calmed down and went to the fridge for some water, he would find that we have filled all available containers, jars, and jugs with vomit. Cold Refrigerated water puffed dog food vomit.
 
We would probably have to end there, but repeat this process at least once a week to keep David sad and malnourished.
 
This would be easy to blame on someone else, because humans don’t dog vomit. Dogs do. And David has two dogs, one of which is a prankster.

The only problem with this plan is David’s wife, as she is just an innocent bystander in a malicious vomitus-vomitus cycle.
 
 

#3 Kayak Rack

 
LAGOON
 
If there is anything in this world that David likes more than Kayaks its Kayak racks. So, we would just smash his kayak rack. OH WHAT WOULD HE DO DURING THOSE PERFECT SUMMER KAYAK DAYS!?
 
(This is probably depressing David already for a different reason)
 

#4 BEES

 
LAGOON
 
David has an interesting Tattoo in the shape of big honey bees encircling his arm. One could deduce from that fact that he likes the furry little creatures. That is false. He is deathly afraid of them. I mean deathly. David has the ability to sing in many pitches, but, when he sees a Bee (not even one that is near him), he will chant in almost an inaudibly high pitched way “BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE,” while flailing uncontrollably (he has knocked over little old ladies).
 
I have told David many times in the past that I think we should lock him in a dark room with many angry Bees just so he could finally get over his phobia. I mean, he is not allergic, and if the room is large enough he probably wouldn’t even get stung THAT much.
 
Apparently that would kill David, as he has told me before.
 
So, what would we do?
 
First we would drug David and drag him into the basement and chain him to a chair. Then would dress Pat in a very large furry bee costume and have him lumber out of the darkness and just walk around him singing “Bee Bee Bee Bee” in a really low voice. The key to this would be to not actually DO anything to David, and then return him to his bed. He would then think it was a dream. We would repeat this process at least 3 times a week until the insomnia and mental state broke him down. Then, once we have solidified the psychological snap, we could just leave little patches of Bee fur around and trigger a whole new round of crazy.
 
How would we deny this? We don’t. I would agree with him, tell him that I have the same weird bee torture dream everynight and that it is SO WEIRD.
 
It is my hope that David actually gets sad on his own. I know that’s kind of messed up in itself to wish for someone’s sadness, but, the product of it is so awesome. I mean SO AWESOME. You’ll see… Soon atually. ahahahaha
 
 

Well friends, I hope now that we have moved I can get back in to the routine of talking to you more often.
 
Oh… also, if you have any good ideas for the album name please send them to us, or tweet them, or Tattoo them on your buttocks.

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LAGOON

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