Lagoon Update: Touched by a Whangel, Cane Defense Tips

21
Sep
0

(For all the glory make sure to visit http://www.lagoononline.com/)

First of all, I have to take a second and wish @davidtornado well. He cut his finger slicing a bagel. I know what you are thinking “HOLY SHIT BAGELS ARE SO AWESOME,” but now is not the time for such things. His finger is fine, but he unfortunately missed our Lagoon outing to go whale watching =(

Touched by a Whangel

A year ago, when Lagoon set out into the sea of Boston, we took a pledge. We wanted to keep it as a sort of unspoken band “theme,” and gear our creative energy to color our songs.

When we created the song White Heart, and subsequent video, we wanted to help raise awareness for the murdering of whales (for those of you who haven’t seen the video: www.lagoononline.com/html/video.html)

I have to admit I was somewhat mentally removed from the breadth of the concept. It’s hard to grasp what you are doing without seeing the animal behind the song. This weekend I went whale watching, and I found myself in one of the most touching moments of my life.

 @Lagoonpmac, @lagoonmarisa, and ME 

 THREE WHALES

I SEE A WHALE

 
WHALETALE

As I stood at the edge of the boat gazing intently on the sea surface through the light salty spray, I watched blue turn to green, then to white, as the back of an enormous leviathan stretched into the air. I found myself choking back tears. I could not believe how amazing it was.  Here was a creature, 40 feet in length, curious, intelligent, and gorgeous.

Since we released our video our band has gained in popularity, especially with our online community. I feel like it was necessary to remind everyone that Lagoon will always been a band that makes music because we love music, and will always gear our intents to the betterment of life. This does not stop at raising awareness. We are hoping to really make a difference.

The studio version of the song White Heart should be out very soon. We intend on donating a percentage of the profits from that song to both local and national charities.

How to Defend Oneself with a Cane

To show you how personally committed I am to the betterment of mankind, I have put together a self defense guide to help you. Have you ever been traversing a dark alley with your cane when a nefarious figure approaches you and attempts to manhandle you? Well, I have some Cane defense tips that will surely help.

Tip #1

The Killer Crotch Flip

The Killer Crotch Flip

 How to do it:

Wait for your opponent to make his move with his stick/weapon/cane. He will go for your jugular. Bend at the knee like you are praying, then stab your cane into the attackers crotch. Trust upwards with your legs, and flip your opponent by the sheer pressure on his genitals

Why this works?

If you did not know, your crotch is a very sensitive area. Hitting it with a cane will hurt. I do not recommend you try this, just take my word for it. In fact, any pressure by any blunt object in the crotch area is going to result in immense amounts of discomfort.

Tip # 2

The High Attack Stabby Block Stab

The High Attack Stabby Block Stab

 

How to do it:

I know the name of this move is pretty intimidating, but don’t let that fool you. Since you have a cane, I know you have great intelligence or a slight limp. Chances are your opponent, who also has a cane, shares these same weaknesses. First you must parry your opponents cane with your own high up into the air. Then, say something insulting as you move forward, such as “Your Blazer looks like a Sack Coat you scallywag!” With your opponent stunned, choke him and threaten to jam your cane down his throat.

Why This works?

Insults are the greatest way to distract your opponent. Make sure to stay away from insulting a man’s family, or the rage from such an insult might provide him with extra verve.

 

Tip #3

The Bowler Hat Fakey

The Bowler Hat Fakey

How to do it:

 
This is an advanced move and requires superb footwork and deception. With your cane held up high in your right hand, fake like you are going to strike with it. Then shriek loudly like a yak, turn your body the OTHER way, and flail your left hand over the top of your opponents outstretched arm. Hit that prim ass in the face.

Why This works?

It doesnt.

 

Tip #4

The Hook-Leg Deck Shoe Trip
The Hook-Leg Deck Shoe Trip

How to do it:

This is one of the most effective cane defense moves developed by modern science. First, you must have patience. Taunt your opponent by telling him you see urine stains on his knickerbockers. When he lunges with an abnormally long stance to punch you, step across his body and grab his limp arm with your left hand. At this point you will be very close to your opponents face. Whisper something nice so he lowers his left hand. The second you feel like your words are calming him slice your cane with great speed into his leg and trip him to the floor.

Why This Works?

Humans have legs. These legs keep us upright. When you use your cane to pull a leg out from under someone, they will fall. When someone is on the ground they are a far less effective fighter.

Until next time!

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