Lagoon Update: BOO! Get Down!

2
Aug
0

 
So, I know it’s been a while- some might say a long time. And it’s true… Sorry.
 

So what’s been going on?
 

We had a couple of shows… and if you missed it too bad… AHAHAH. It was great to play at the Middle East and the Cantab again.
 
On a completely unrelated side note:

My mom called me the other day (she does this frequently) and she asked how the show at the Cantab went. I said it went fine, Marisa (our drummer, nurrrr) played really well, we had a lot of fun, yada yada yada – essentially the exact same conversation I’ve had with my mom about every concert I’ve ever played.

 

Except… One thing… my mom made a comment about the name “ohhhh, Cantab that’s so clever.” I just nervously responded… Oh ya.. it’s so clever… At the time I had NO IDEA what she was talking about, or what the name Cantab could possibly be about.
 

LAGOON

 
Nope… not Can’t Ab.
 

 
OH I’m RETARDED CAN TAB.
 

LAGOON

 

NUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrr

 

Ok, Really. So what’s been going on?

 
You might wonder why we have been so quiet? It’s not really anything fun like Pat got cancer and died. It’s more regular run-of-the-mill stuff like pat ran away to Taiwan, or Tahiti, or Thailand (it’s something that starts with a T).
 
I wish I was joking, but he’s gone.
 
We considered calling the police until we saw he was still updating his facebook with pictures: 

 

LAGOON

 
Then we realized that everything is normal, and that’s just Pat being Pat.

 

 *****

So, we have decided to take some time off- You know Lagoon, we never take time off *cough*- Until pat comes back. We THINK he’ll be popping through our door in a couple of weeks.
 

Then we are going to gear right up with another online concert! YAY INTERNETS!
  

Check this Ish Out!

 

Our friend and all around Stud , Gustave Cadet, set up a really awesome site featuring some amazing artists in all forms- an aggregate collection of interesting works.

I recommend you check it out. Now. No seriously. Right now. It’s a great way to lose some time!
 

Insert (inspiration)
 

If you don’t, you’re just another ne’er-do-well
 

 
 

SOME OF YOU MIGHT WONDER
 

What I have been concerning myself with over these last couple months – so here you go – all compiled in a neat little list.
 

1. I am ecstatic that the Cardinals finally got a QB that isn’t Matt Leinhart. I might actually consider picking up Fitzy on my fantasy team. YES FANTASY IS CLOSE.
 
2. I just noticed that they finally raised the debt ceiling – politics aside – WHAT THE FUCK TOOK YOU SO LONG
 
3. I read somewhere that they have been making headway in the treatment of Down ’s syndrome. That’s right, the TREATMENT. I thought that was amazing, and proof we are almost exactly like mice.
 
4. 3 of my orchids are blooming, and I couldn’t be happier. I would have made this #3 but seeing 3. 3 next to each other was really confusing, and I hate typing out the world three. DAMINT. DAAA MINT.
 
5. I just heard that Red Wine can prevent sunburn… This is not a joke, and explains why my girlfriend heals so quickly from being a lobster.
 
6. Marisa and I won the B league softball Bronze level championship. I have the mug to prove it.
 
7. From what I can gather, David is still president and CEO of awesome- but polls show that Ron Perlman is gaining steadily in popularity.
 
8. Pat really is not in the US, while he is gone I’ve been storing cat feces in his room and the smell has actually IMPROVED.
 
9. I’ve been collecting cat feces.
 

Damn It Cohagen

 

 
www.lagoononline.com

Zunelagoonband

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www.myspace.com/lagoonaz

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Lagoon – Gemini has Landed! Apollo Program Announced!

4
Apr
0

 
 
 

Fin.

 

 
 
Can you believe it? No, honestly, can you?

 
It has been exactly two years since we broke ground (and wind) on our third album, and now it is DONE. Phew!
 



 
Clicking on the picture above goes directly to itunes, but you might prefer any of the following:

Cdbaby

Amazon
Zune
 
 Ahahah, our music is on Zune. Sorry… We really are pulling out all the stops.
 
This was an endeavor to say the least, we are so happy to have it done, and so excited to get it to you.
 
Right now this is only a digital release, so make sure to pick up a copy of the liner notes off our website – for free of course – what kind of asses would charge for liner notes- that’s like sitting down to a fancy dinner and having to buy a napkin.
 
 


Photo of a big bunny rabbit!

(click picture for an awesome @davidtornado designed .pdf )
 

Please let us know what you think, let us know what you love, what you hate, and what you want to see more of.

   
 

That’s the good news….
   
 
 
What about the great news?!?

 
 
 
 
LAGOON
   
 

No I don’t have a goiter… And that is not great…. What the F is wrong with you?
 
  

The great news is that we have already lined up album #4 which we will start recording in August – So all your feedback we’re going to use to tailor this album, hone it in, draw our sites, hit our mark, nail it on the head… You get it.
 
Also, if you were wondering, we are not going to call the new album Apollo- Nothing against the lord of the sun (dont want to anger him).
 
 
LAGOON
  
 
 
 
 

Heart

 
Some of you might wonder why it’s been so long since I’ve written anything. It’s pretty simple: I wanted to make sure I addressed you when I had something substantial, something meaningful.
 
It’s hard sometimes – the life we have chosen. It has such incredible peaks followed by the lowest of lows (read over the past blogs on this site and you can see for yourself). However, every time we’ve felt we were on the brink, about the lose it all, something comes along and pushes us forward… has to be something to that?
 
Thank you to all our fans that have made this worth it. I hope you know that all our work goes to you, we just want to make you happy, and blast your ear drums with glory.
 

 
 
 
 

BRACKETSUCKOLOGY

   
 
LAGOON
 
   
 
On a completely unrelated note, my March Madness Bracket is so F’ed. Even without playing tonight’s championship game, David has claimed victory:
   
 
LAGOON
 

NO OFFENSE LARRY

www.lagoononline.com

www.twitter.com/lagoonband

www.facebook.com/lagoonband

www.myspace.com/lagoonaz

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Lagoon Update: Touched by a Whangel, Cane Defense Tips

21
Sep
0

(For all the glory make sure to visit http://www.lagoononline.com/)

First of all, I have to take a second and wish @davidtornado well. He cut his finger slicing a bagel. I know what you are thinking “HOLY SHIT BAGELS ARE SO AWESOME,” but now is not the time for such things. His finger is fine, but he unfortunately missed our Lagoon outing to go whale watching =(

Touched by a Whangel

A year ago, when Lagoon set out into the sea of Boston, we took a pledge. We wanted to keep it as a sort of unspoken band “theme,” and gear our creative energy to color our songs.

When we created the song White Heart, and subsequent video, we wanted to help raise awareness for the murdering of whales (for those of you who haven’t seen the video: www.lagoononline.com/html/video.html)

I have to admit I was somewhat mentally removed from the breadth of the concept. It’s hard to grasp what you are doing without seeing the animal behind the song. This weekend I went whale watching, and I found myself in one of the most touching moments of my life.

 @Lagoonpmac, @lagoonmarisa, and ME 

 THREE WHALES

I SEE A WHALE

 
WHALETALE

As I stood at the edge of the boat gazing intently on the sea surface through the light salty spray, I watched blue turn to green, then to white, as the back of an enormous leviathan stretched into the air. I found myself choking back tears. I could not believe how amazing it was.  Here was a creature, 40 feet in length, curious, intelligent, and gorgeous.

Since we released our video our band has gained in popularity, especially with our online community. I feel like it was necessary to remind everyone that Lagoon will always been a band that makes music because we love music, and will always gear our intents to the betterment of life. This does not stop at raising awareness. We are hoping to really make a difference.

The studio version of the song White Heart should be out very soon. We intend on donating a percentage of the profits from that song to both local and national charities.

How to Defend Oneself with a Cane

To show you how personally committed I am to the betterment of mankind, I have put together a self defense guide to help you. Have you ever been traversing a dark alley with your cane when a nefarious figure approaches you and attempts to manhandle you? Well, I have some Cane defense tips that will surely help.

Tip #1

The Killer Crotch Flip

The Killer Crotch Flip

 How to do it:

Wait for your opponent to make his move with his stick/weapon/cane. He will go for your jugular. Bend at the knee like you are praying, then stab your cane into the attackers crotch. Trust upwards with your legs, and flip your opponent by the sheer pressure on his genitals

Why this works?

If you did not know, your crotch is a very sensitive area. Hitting it with a cane will hurt. I do not recommend you try this, just take my word for it. In fact, any pressure by any blunt object in the crotch area is going to result in immense amounts of discomfort.

Tip # 2

The High Attack Stabby Block Stab

The High Attack Stabby Block Stab

 

How to do it:

I know the name of this move is pretty intimidating, but don’t let that fool you. Since you have a cane, I know you have great intelligence or a slight limp. Chances are your opponent, who also has a cane, shares these same weaknesses. First you must parry your opponents cane with your own high up into the air. Then, say something insulting as you move forward, such as “Your Blazer looks like a Sack Coat you scallywag!” With your opponent stunned, choke him and threaten to jam your cane down his throat.

Why This works?

Insults are the greatest way to distract your opponent. Make sure to stay away from insulting a man’s family, or the rage from such an insult might provide him with extra verve.

 

Tip #3

The Bowler Hat Fakey

The Bowler Hat Fakey

How to do it:

 
This is an advanced move and requires superb footwork and deception. With your cane held up high in your right hand, fake like you are going to strike with it. Then shriek loudly like a yak, turn your body the OTHER way, and flail your left hand over the top of your opponents outstretched arm. Hit that prim ass in the face.

Why This works?

It doesnt.

 

Tip #4

The Hook-Leg Deck Shoe Trip
The Hook-Leg Deck Shoe Trip

How to do it:

This is one of the most effective cane defense moves developed by modern science. First, you must have patience. Taunt your opponent by telling him you see urine stains on his knickerbockers. When he lunges with an abnormally long stance to punch you, step across his body and grab his limp arm with your left hand. At this point you will be very close to your opponents face. Whisper something nice so he lowers his left hand. The second you feel like your words are calming him slice your cane with great speed into his leg and trip him to the floor.

Why This Works?

Humans have legs. These legs keep us upright. When you use your cane to pull a leg out from under someone, they will fall. When someone is on the ground they are a far less effective fighter.

Until next time!

Faceybook: www.facebook.com/lagoonband

Follow us or the Llamataur will kill you.

Cheers to you for following us

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Lagoon Update: Defining ‘Modern’ Malay Womanhood and the Messages of the Veil

10
Sep
0

(www.lagoononline.com)

Well look who finally decided to show up… Sheesh. I thought I was going to have to yank your arm. YANK.

Lets get down to business shall we?

Defining ‘Modern’ Malay womanhood… what!?

So out of boredom I googled myself. Don’t lie, I know you’ve done it, and I know that’s not the worst thing you’ve done to yourself today. Oddly enough someone with my name co-authored an article called “Defining ‘Modern’ Malay Womanhood and the  Messages of the Veil.” Pretty awesome. Lol.

So Sexy

(They really are a stunning people, aren’t they?)

         So what about BAND related stuff… well let me tell you, we’ve been doing a lot. @davidtornado has been slaving to finish up some parts as well as write some pretty awesome new stuff. The greatest thing about recording is being able to realize and bring forth all the subtle nuances. 4th song should be done very soon, then it’s off to LA for another round of lovin.

            For our Boston fans, we booked a show in November at Copperfields near Fenway on the 6th (it’s a Friday) at 11pm. We also now have a show booked at Alchemist Lounge in Jamaica Plain that following week, November 12th. I love the Alchemist shows for a few reasons; they are free, intimate setting, lots and lots and lots of drinks. Expect the string of shows to continue through the winter, we are here to warm your cockles.

        For our Arizona fans, we’ll see you in Tucson October 24th at Plush. Now that’s going to be insane!

         So, as you know, I love to making friends, networking, chatting with wonderful people such as yourself. What you thought I forgot about you? Never. I love you. Healthy love. Ok crap, totally off track.  So, a good friend of mine (@DJ_Aphrodite) is going to be putting our tunes on her internet radio show over at www.krushradio.com, it’s a really awesome program so make sure to check her out Fridays 10-12am.

“So, are you broken or just BROKE?”

         Thanks to everyone who offered me support while I had my brief stay in the hospital. Turned out to be a badly sprained shoulder, and a deep cut in my elbow, as well as a nice bruise on my hip. Better to be on the side of caution though. Time to buy a helmet; I realized how easily I could have murdered myself. Tree roots are evil.

Here are some pretty injury pictures (if you are squeamish or just a pussy I would skip this part).

Instead of going to the hospital, I thought it would be smart to just come home, wash up, take a shot of whiskey and go to bed. I woke up to blood soaked sheets. I should have gotten stitches. Alas, it was too late:

elbow

I am a little excited to watch the colors of this bruise to heal. This is on my hip bone.

 

hip

REVIEW THIS

So my friend Jessica told me about something fun…. Reviewing products on Amazon.com. I know what you are thinking… “what the hell, that is not fun…” Well it is when you do fake reviews. Mwhahahah.

So the product I chose to review was a nail gun:

The Factory-Reconditioned Bostitch U/BT200K-2 5/8-Inch to 2-Inch 18 Gauge Brad Nailer

Nail This

Dear Amazon, 

         I bought the Factory-Reconditioned Bostitch Brad Nailer for my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago for his birthday. I thought it would be a funny joke because… well… I’ve been nailing Brad for a few years now. But let me tell you something, this is NOT a toy.
           Brad is a “go getter” person, and the same afternoon he went out and purchased the “air blower upper thing” you needed to power the gun. After fifteen minutes of arguing, Brad decided to use the gun to nail together a piece of unassembled IKEA furniture. I found this sort of amusing, and to be honest, it is far more stable than any dining set I’ve ever seen.
            The next morning I found that Brad had nailed every piece of clothing I own to the walls around my house. Even some kitchen appliances were suspended like hanging tree fruit from the ceiling, each one with a single nail and the cord meticulously wrapped around it. I later found a note… Yes… Nailed to the door that read, “Taking my new friend for a walk.”
              That night everything got a little worse. Just as advertised, this nail gun is WHISPER quiet. So quiet that I never heard Brad powering it up when he decided to jump on my bed and discharge nails into my pillow around my sleeping face and head. This gave me quite a fright, but Brad told me the gun had told him to do it, and that he couldn’t stop.
                In the first week of having this, we went through 4,000 dollars worth of nails. Brad was consumed, and nailed together many things he called “wigwam statues.” He said the Nailer liked them, and needed them to consume the souls of lesser men. Part of me was happy for Brad, he finally found a creative outlet, and I even brought one of the statues to a friend of mine who is an art dealer. One of his “pieces” will be on display September 22nd, at the Center Street art festival.
              Unfortunately, the good luck came to an end just a few days ago when Brad purchased 3 more Bostitch nail guns. He had planned to tape them to his feet and climb up the side our neighbor’s house. Amazingly, he  made it up about 20 feet before the air hose got caught on a tree branch and broke his spider-like stride. In frenzy, he discharged at least 200 nails in all directions shattering windows and lodging into trees as he fell to the ground. The doctor spent 4 hours later that night pulling nails from Brad’s white fleshy body.
           It is not that I wouldn’t recommend this product, for all that is happened it truly has functioned really well. I am just unsure whether or not this “reaction” is commonplace. Brad and I have since grown apart, well, relationship wise. I still visit him often and even bring him his unpowered Bostitch gun to the hospital where he will be taking his extended stay, pending a psychiatric evaluation.

-Julie Myers

Again, I really wish I was there to see this person read this. Ha. Feel free to check out the review on Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00066N884/ref=cm_cr_mts_prod_img (It takes 48 hours for them to post the review, so it might not be up just yet)

Until next time kiddies….
Make sure to say hi on twitter: @lagoonband
Or find us on facebook: www.facebook.com/lagoonband
Or come visit me at my home address: 1199 Yafuckingright avenue

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Ricardo, The Angel of Sky Harbor (and some pics from AZ)

1
Sep
0

(If you were looking for all the great song downloads, and graphics and stuff, it’s here: www.lagoononline.com)

A little bit everyday, says the Empress

So, @LagoonMarisa and I (Jake, you know, the bass player, the one in the band that has to write stuff since my instrument is the most dispensable) headed home to Arizona to visit our parents. It seems we left just in time, because tropical storm Danny came by and smacked Massachusetts. This allowed @Davidtornado to get a ton of work done on one of our new songs. Everything else “band related” is going really well, but nothing specific really to report.

So what I got for your entertainment is a story. Yes. A story. It is story time. Go grab your milk, find a comfy spot, and enjoy. And then after story time I’ll give you some pictures from the trip.

Ricardo, The angle of Sky Harbor

It is amazing to me that most airports do NOT have free wireless…

Boston’s Logan airport? Nope, gotta pay…

Chicago Midway? Nope, gotta pay…

The only airport that was kind enough to lend me some internets was Sky Harbor in Phoenix Arizona. Now, the interesting thing about this is that in order to gain free access you have to fill out a small survey. The survey asked you to name a Sky Harbor employee and then say how they helped you in some way… Here was my dilemma: no employee had helped me. Alas, my desire to check my faceybook and mespaces pushed me to fabricate a man. This man’s name was Ricardo, and he is one amazing man.

(Note: I actually submitted this  fictional survey.)

Please take a moment and tell us about an Airport employee that has helped you during your stay here at Sky Harbor.

Employee’s Name: Ricardo

And in what way did He/She help you:

              Agitated and in need of relieving myself, I entered the men’s bathroom on the B concourse located in terminal 4. Two minutes earlier, a snippy airline teller had told me my flight was canceled, and during the plane transfer my bag had been ripped open, leaking my expensive dress socks all over the runway. I was almost too flustered to speak, and I am sure you could imagine that I was feeling less than confident in Sky Harbor’s ability to safely transport me to my destination.
             As I finished up in the bathroom, a prim dressed bathroom maintenance man handed me a paper towel. He looked at me with kind eyes and asked me what was wrong. I explained to him my story, and in a soft voice he said, “is ok, Ricardo is here.” Now, I am sure you can understand how this was extremely awkward, but as he bent down and mended my bag with thread from his cart, all my fears were allayed.
              This man was an amazing listener. With every soft motion he made feel better about my trip, and how I was headed to El Paso Texas to mourn the death of my Grandfather. Here was a soul who has spent G-d knows how many years cleaning up trash and bodily filth, yet he could still connect with me on a personal level. I realized I had over 4 hours until my next flight, and I was determined to spend it with Ricardo.
                      Ricardo slowly pushed his cart through the terminal, pointing out the lesser-known facts about airport life. He told me about the drama he’s seen, celebrities he’s met, and lovers he had in moments of passion and on which seats. At one point, when he bent over to pick up a Burger King wrapper, I swear the piece of trash jumped at his fingers, as if possessed with desire to touch Ricardo’s outstretched arm.
                  We stopped at a newsstand aptly named “PhXpress,” and with a wink and a smile he coaxed the attractive attendant to give me a book and a pack of gum. I felt as if he was a political figure, a mayor even, Ricardo the Mayor of Sky Harbor. I tried to ask him about his family, and where he was from, but he only shook his finger at me saying, “no, no, no, you mustn’t ask about Ricardo.” I found his third person references charming.
                  Soon I told Ricardo that I had to stop walking. I had developed Plantar Fasciitis after a tractor accident in 1993, and the tendons in my ankle were far from capable of walking for so long. I found a clean seat to rest, took off my shoes, and massaged my injured limb . “May I?” asked Ricardo. “May you what?” I said back. Ricardo reached for my foot, and for a brief moment I resisted before resting my cold foot in his warm soft hands. He whispered something under his breath in a language I could not understand, and pulled a small bit of herbs from a pouch on his cart. After his incantations and a few brief moments of hard tissues massage he let go of my foot. I swear to you, to this day, I am able to painlessly jump higher than I ever could.
                I sat for a moment in amazement at this strange archaic medicine that had cured my condition, but as I lost myself in Ricardo’s mustache I remembered my grandfather and slipped into a depression. “Is ok, friend, is ok,” said Ricardo in a low calm voice. I soon realized that Ricardo had walked me to my gate, and I was sitting staring at a sign that read “Flight 1033 to El Paso.” But how did he know? I never told him which flight I was on.
              A young tattooed man running down the length of the concourse carrying a purse suddenly broke my daze. Behind him followed a screaming lady tripping on her heels, and clutching to the railing for balance. In a flash, Ricardo stood up and focused all his attention on his green Indiglo wristwatch while again reciting words in a foreign language. At this moment, I found out that Ricardo could stop time.  Ricardo did not let me get a word out as he rushed me over to the frozen man, and grabbed the purse. We then picked up the hoodlum’s lifeless body and placed him face down in a nearby trashcan. Before I could even breathe, Ricardo had again focused intently on his timekeeper, and I found myself staring into the tear-laden face of the gorgeous female victim.
                  When time again began (which I have to say is an expression I never though I would utter), everyone seemed a bit dazed. Cops in the background were arresting the trash-covered man, and the lady who now looked at me with gaping eyes embraced me and sobbed into my shoulder. She offered me a reward; I took none besides her phone number. Dumbfounded, I floundered over to Ricardo, sat down, and stared at the crumpled piece of paper. “what… what are you?” “I Ricardo,” he replied with a grin on his face.
                     Ricardo then focused again on his watch, and I watched the hands of the big clock on the wall spin and the world whiz around me. In this moment, Ricardo and I sat in peace. He told me he loved me, and that I loved him. The clock stopped at 7:05pm, exactly 20 minutes before my flight was to leave. I looked down to see that I now had a blue pre-boarding slip, and that my ticket had been upgraded to Business Class. Ricardo and I only had a few seconds for a brief goodbye, and I told him I would never forget him. He only touched my hand briefly and said “Ten Tacos for a dollar.” This cryptic phrase I have still yet to decipher.
               I barely remember getting on to the plane. I was so tired from my ordeal that I slept the entire flight. However, when I woke up taxied in the El Paso airport I turned on my phone to find three new text messages. The first was from the woman in the airport. She was moving to my hometown, would be living in the apartment next to me, and was waiting for my return. The second message was from my work, saying that I have received a raise due to the submission of a project I had yet to even finish. And t he third message was from my family, saying that my Grandfather was not actually dead, he was only rendered unconscious by quasi-deadly poison from a painful Texan spider. Thank you Ricardo. Thank you. Wherever you are, from the bottom of my heart.

 

Man, I  wish I was there to see their face when they read this. ha.

 

And here are some pictures from the trip to AZ:

I miss the Sunsets, not the heat.

This is quite mean.

The view from the hill:

This is quite mean.

Me and My Crazy Dog:

This is quite mean.

Marisa loves Whales, even in Arizona:

This is quite mean.

I love my mom:
This is quite mean.
I miss mountains:
This is quite mean.

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Lagoon Update: Ello Gov’nah, 5 Reality TV Shows That Must Be Made

24
Aug
0

  

 

 

Hi, It’s Jacob, your resident Lagoon Crazy person. You look really nice today, I see the rash has cleared up. Lets begin shall we?

 

HI LAGOON WHATCHA DOIN?

Another productive week in the books, and Lagoon is really close to sending their 4th track to LA to be mixed. This is an extremely exciting time.

If you didn’t know, Lagoon is an independent organization, as well as a small body of water. This does not mean we don’t hope to one day be signed, but it does means we can do really cool stuff as far as how we get musak to you guys.

As you know, in May, we put our previous two albums up on our homepage (www.lagoononline.com) so you could download all our tracks for free. It was our way of giving back to our fans who have support us for the almost 6 years our band has been together making music. Since then, the site has gotten 227,000 hits, and in August alone more than 800 song downloads. On top of that, it seems a lot of you opted to pay for the music from Itunes, and it is so rewarding and uplifting to us to receive that. Every bit helps.

All we have to say is, thank you so much. Really. The response has been amazing, and it has been your voice telling others about us that has brought us to almost 30,000 followers on twitter (@Lagoonband). Now that’s the power of communication at work.

Most recently, this has led to Lagoon being played on the BBC in a show featuring the best new music from the Internet. We were the first song featured on the program. It was an amazing experience.

The new music is going to be coming out really soon. I can’t wait to tweet, blip, myspace, and facebook all of it to you guys. I hope you guys feel like you are a part of this all, because you are, we are nothing without our fans.

Just to maintain the air of mystery, I wont reveal the rest of all that is glorious.

We love you. Healthy kind of love though, not creepy… like going to follow you around with Pool Noodle and smack you everytime you say “Stop.”

 

Ok, now on to the craziness I normally write about in this blog that will probably offend some of you after I just warmed your heart. Ahahahahahaha. Oops. And I use some foul language… SORRY.

 

5 Reality TV Shows That Need to be Created

1. John and Kate Minus 8

The premise of this show is easy; in the middle of the night you kidnap all their children. Then, each episode you place one of those cute little buggers in a 4×4 foot Plexiglas cubicle and hide them in a metropolitan cultural center. Armed with only their wits, and a few small clues, John and Kate must save their child. It would be a mix between Lethal Weapon and forced marriage counseling.

This is quite mean.

This show would only be approximately 9 episodes long, the finale being when we kidnap John.

2. Real World: Sub-Sahara Africa

I remember when this show first came out, and for a few seasons the people on it were actually… well… Real. What happened between then and now was an infection by the alluring temptress of our douche bag personal imagery that has since spread to most of America. Subsequently, this show has since devolved into a steaming crap heap. No one on this program is real, as the now ironic title would suggest. So, how to bring this show back to reality?

 

RUN!

 

What is more real than watching floundering socialites scatter from voracious wild animals in a totally foreign environment. Nothing. I dare say nothing.

3. Bear Grylls – Calcutta India

I have watched this man stab a reindeer, kill it, drink its blood, and take a bite of its heart. In no way is this teaching me how to survive, this is just some overly zealous cockbag showing off his unabashed bravado on an innocent animals. I fail to believe that there are that many snakes, rodents, and abandoned cabins in the “wilderness” just waiting to get raped by Bear Grylls. So, how do we fix this show? Send him to Calcutta.

I know this picture is more lame than the others.

No amount of urinating on yourself, Bear, will ever save you from mobs of angry people tearing apart your expensive Northface jackets and highfalutin survival gear. My only hope is that someone takes a bite out of you while you’re still alive.

(On a further note, I have heard Bear Grylls being described as the new Chuck Norris, I am sorry but Chuck Norris’s farts are more badass than he’ll ever be)

4. True Life – I’m an Oompa Loompa

If you are like me, and I know you are, you believe that Willy Wonka was not only real but also still exists today in an underground cavern south of Hoboken New Jersey. This show would profile a recently fired Oompa Loompa named Larry as he attempts to get a new profession in the harsh real world.

What do you get when you guzzle down crack?

This would be a treatise on the pitfalls of our capitalist society, as we realize that Larry, sad, alone, and addicted to white chocolate heroine, is doomed to live a life on the street performing tricks for passerbys.

5. Job (Like from the Bible)

The premise of this show involves scouting out some of the most self-righteous televangelists, and then putting them in a biblical style reign of terror. The show would start from simple things like a flat tire, and end with the staged murdering of their entire family. The production of this show would take months of research, bribing and hidden camera placement. Then, at any point, if they renounce their faith they lose and in front of millions of people.

The Bible is amazing

I know what you’re thinking, that’s so MEAN. But is it? When they lose the show they will be compensated with large sums of money, and I have come to understand that was what they were after in the first place. And just like the bible, any “winners” of the show will get nothing. Ah, the meek shall inherit the earth.

 

That’s it for now! Feel free to tweet me anything want to see on the blog, or ideas about the music. Oh ya, follow us on facebook too… I know one social network isnt enough: www.facebook.com/lagoonband

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