Lagoon Update: Awesome Bible Passages, Pictures, Hurricane Earl (is a bitch)

1
Sep
0

 
I was going to organize this blog entry into something fun like “5 great things that fluff pillows,” or “25 ways to cook with nail clippings.” However, in the usual fashion I just started writing… What popped out looked like a hot mess rather than an organized hot mess(?).
 
 

DON’T YOU DARE DO IT EARL
 
LAGOON

 
Listen to me Earl, LISTEN TO ME EARL, I have tickets to just ONE Red Sox game and you’re going to piss all over it. Just go out into the ocean and  leave  Massachusetts alone. You can slam the fuck into Nova Scotia all you want. JUST LEAVE BOSTON ALONE ON SEPTEMBER 3RD.
 
 
 

Awesome Bible Passages and their 2010 Editions
  

 
   

II Kings 2:23-24 

 
 
“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” He turned around, looked at them, and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled the forty-two youths.
 
Ok. Biblical times were awesome. Can you imagine how cool it would be to watch two bears maul 42 people? That would make the most amazing episode of “When Animals Attack.” Also, “youth” is a very vague term. Are we talking 5 year olds? Cause that’s not cool. If it’s like 14-20, I’m ok with a bear mauling at that age. Especially since 30 was considered old age. So lets rehash:
 
<5- Not cool for bear mauling
5-14 Avoid bear mauling whenever possible
14-20 Prime bear mauling age
20-30 You could probably do the mauling yourself, but bear involvement is fine
30+ Let nature maul them
 
2010 Version:
 
Elishizzle headed to Bethel. Some gangster kids from the town said “Hey Baldy, Go on up!” “No seriously, Go on up!” He turned around, looked at them, flicked them off and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two endangered bears came out of the woods and mauled the forty-two youths.”
   

Lesson to be learned: Do not F with the Lord or bears will EAT YOU. Also, being bald is ok, you can command wildlife. 
   
 

Genesis 25:30

 
 
He said to Jacob, ‘Let me eat some of that red stuff, because I’m exhausted’
 
My name is Jacob and that red stuff is awesome. It is really good with green drink.
 
2010 Version:
 
‘He said to Jacob, ‘Dude, do you have a 5-hour energy, because I’m having that 2:30 feeling’

 
Lesson to be learned: Red stuff rules and it makes you un-tired and junk.
   
 

Proverbs 27:15-16 

 
 

A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind, or trying to hold something with greased hands.”
 

I wonder what else he’s holding with greased hands (Yuck Yuck). Actually, they had grease back then? Not WD-40, but wow… Grease! I bet that was a new invention. “Dude the lord talks about grease!”
 
2010 Version:
 
A bitchy wife is as annoying as meaningless facebook updates. Stopping her complaints is like trying to turn off the internet, or trying to hold something with WD-40’ed hands.”
 
Lesson to be learned: Don’t marry?
 
 

Ezekiel 23:19-20

 
 
Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emissions were like that of horses.”
 
Best… Book… Ever… Who says emissions? Ahahahhaah. Sounds like I need to get my car checked. Some of these terms need to come back, seriously.
 
2010 Version:
 
She became hot as she remembered how she used to be an interracial porn star. They had big junk, and could pressure wash her driveway
 
Lesson to be learned: Egyptians have huge… uhh… Pyramids.
 
 

And Now Some Boston Pictures

(P.S. these were taken on my phone (HTC droid incredible) using the free app Fx Camera… Get it)
 

LAGOON
 

LAGOON
 

LAGOON
 

LAGOON
 

LAGOON
 

UNTIL NEXT TIME COME VISIT US PLACES HERE NOW

 
www.lagoononline.com
 
www.twitter.com/lagoonband
 
www.facebook.com/lagoonband
 
www.myspace.com/lagoonaz

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Lagoon Update: Ello Gov’nah, 5 Reality TV Shows That Must Be Made

24
Aug
0

  

 

 

Hi, It’s Jacob, your resident Lagoon Crazy person. You look really nice today, I see the rash has cleared up. Lets begin shall we?

 

HI LAGOON WHATCHA DOIN?

Another productive week in the books, and Lagoon is really close to sending their 4th track to LA to be mixed. This is an extremely exciting time.

If you didn’t know, Lagoon is an independent organization, as well as a small body of water. This does not mean we don’t hope to one day be signed, but it does means we can do really cool stuff as far as how we get musak to you guys.

As you know, in May, we put our previous two albums up on our homepage (www.lagoononline.com) so you could download all our tracks for free. It was our way of giving back to our fans who have support us for the almost 6 years our band has been together making music. Since then, the site has gotten 227,000 hits, and in August alone more than 800 song downloads. On top of that, it seems a lot of you opted to pay for the music from Itunes, and it is so rewarding and uplifting to us to receive that. Every bit helps.

All we have to say is, thank you so much. Really. The response has been amazing, and it has been your voice telling others about us that has brought us to almost 30,000 followers on twitter (@Lagoonband). Now that’s the power of communication at work.

Most recently, this has led to Lagoon being played on the BBC in a show featuring the best new music from the Internet. We were the first song featured on the program. It was an amazing experience.

The new music is going to be coming out really soon. I can’t wait to tweet, blip, myspace, and facebook all of it to you guys. I hope you guys feel like you are a part of this all, because you are, we are nothing without our fans.

Just to maintain the air of mystery, I wont reveal the rest of all that is glorious.

We love you. Healthy kind of love though, not creepy… like going to follow you around with Pool Noodle and smack you everytime you say “Stop.”

 

Ok, now on to the craziness I normally write about in this blog that will probably offend some of you after I just warmed your heart. Ahahahahahaha. Oops. And I use some foul language… SORRY.

 

5 Reality TV Shows That Need to be Created

1. John and Kate Minus 8

The premise of this show is easy; in the middle of the night you kidnap all their children. Then, each episode you place one of those cute little buggers in a 4×4 foot Plexiglas cubicle and hide them in a metropolitan cultural center. Armed with only their wits, and a few small clues, John and Kate must save their child. It would be a mix between Lethal Weapon and forced marriage counseling.

This is quite mean.

This show would only be approximately 9 episodes long, the finale being when we kidnap John.

2. Real World: Sub-Sahara Africa

I remember when this show first came out, and for a few seasons the people on it were actually… well… Real. What happened between then and now was an infection by the alluring temptress of our douche bag personal imagery that has since spread to most of America. Subsequently, this show has since devolved into a steaming crap heap. No one on this program is real, as the now ironic title would suggest. So, how to bring this show back to reality?

 

RUN!

 

What is more real than watching floundering socialites scatter from voracious wild animals in a totally foreign environment. Nothing. I dare say nothing.

3. Bear Grylls – Calcutta India

I have watched this man stab a reindeer, kill it, drink its blood, and take a bite of its heart. In no way is this teaching me how to survive, this is just some overly zealous cockbag showing off his unabashed bravado on an innocent animals. I fail to believe that there are that many snakes, rodents, and abandoned cabins in the “wilderness” just waiting to get raped by Bear Grylls. So, how do we fix this show? Send him to Calcutta.

I know this picture is more lame than the others.

No amount of urinating on yourself, Bear, will ever save you from mobs of angry people tearing apart your expensive Northface jackets and highfalutin survival gear. My only hope is that someone takes a bite out of you while you’re still alive.

(On a further note, I have heard Bear Grylls being described as the new Chuck Norris, I am sorry but Chuck Norris’s farts are more badass than he’ll ever be)

4. True Life – I’m an Oompa Loompa

If you are like me, and I know you are, you believe that Willy Wonka was not only real but also still exists today in an underground cavern south of Hoboken New Jersey. This show would profile a recently fired Oompa Loompa named Larry as he attempts to get a new profession in the harsh real world.

What do you get when you guzzle down crack?

This would be a treatise on the pitfalls of our capitalist society, as we realize that Larry, sad, alone, and addicted to white chocolate heroine, is doomed to live a life on the street performing tricks for passerbys.

5. Job (Like from the Bible)

The premise of this show involves scouting out some of the most self-righteous televangelists, and then putting them in a biblical style reign of terror. The show would start from simple things like a flat tire, and end with the staged murdering of their entire family. The production of this show would take months of research, bribing and hidden camera placement. Then, at any point, if they renounce their faith they lose and in front of millions of people.

The Bible is amazing

I know what you’re thinking, that’s so MEAN. But is it? When they lose the show they will be compensated with large sums of money, and I have come to understand that was what they were after in the first place. And just like the bible, any “winners” of the show will get nothing. Ah, the meek shall inherit the earth.

 

That’s it for now! Feel free to tweet me anything want to see on the blog, or ideas about the music. Oh ya, follow us on facebook too… I know one social network isnt enough: www.facebook.com/lagoonband

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