Lagoon Update: HACKEDZORS WTF!?!?!

22
Apr
0

 

So, you may have noticed that our blog was hacked last weekend. If you did not notice you are just NOT READING THIS ENOUGH OMG. Break

 After some brief notes, I am going to dedicate this entire blog to our would-be hacker. Exploring every facet of his being and probable motivation for tainting this exquisite place.

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SHOW

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Ok… This is easy… Tomorrow… yes TOMORROW, we have a show at the Cantab Lounge in Cambridge with our good friends The Narrow Channels.
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Poster design by David Ziggleman-Vollster Poleman Dingo:
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LAGOON
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Funny story, I walked into the Cantab to hang up these posters last week. I went downstairs to find “Mickey” the guy that runs the club. I walk into a pitch-black basement/bar and searched the wall for a light switch. Suddenly, I heard a voice “Hey Charlie, is that you.”

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Ok, so I was a little scared. I told the guy I was just the bass player from Lagoon looking to hang posters. Turns out, Mickey was taking a nap on the stage. When he flipped the lights on I saw that he was playing jazz music from an old radio, and had some incense lit. I hung posters and got the F out of there. All this being said, I think it’s going to be a great show.
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DEAR HACKER WTF

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So, I guess I should be proud because hackers apparently only target blogs that are popular. This must mean you like me. You really really like me. In all honesty though, what the fuck? The fact that some douche makes a living by embedding fake Paypal code into websites makes me violently ill (the type of ill where it comes out of both ends, and you gotta use the tub and the toilet). The reason why this irks me so much is that we actually employ the REAL paypalfor all our donations; the primary way we get money for a craft. Thank you for shitting on our hard work and dedication to a non-traditional lifestyle. Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you, our fans, the only reaons I live and breathe =(
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So, instead of having a pity party,  I have put it upon myself to find who this person is. Thusly, I have compiled a list of probably suspects:
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#1. The Hamburgler

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LAGOON
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Probably Scenario:

Two years ago, on the brink of death after a quadruple bypass, The Hamburlger re-dedicated his life to crime… Cybercrime. Pent up in his house, 300 pounds overweight, his only means of communication was a small Lenovo Laptop. He trolled the Internet for targets: people with views contrary to his own.
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Motivation:

Lagoon, innocently, has dedicated itself to the betterment of animal-kind in a number of ways (white heart video). The Hamburgler, angry that most of the band (sans Patmeatfaceeater) really does not enjoy red meat.
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The Crime:

Late one evening after eating some Ding Dongs, Licorice, and any other black and white themed food, the Hamburgler snuck onto our web-page by guessing Pat’spassword of “SillyNanny” and implanted the code. Rabble! Rabble!
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2. Nargels

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(You might be wondering.. well.. what does a Nargel look like? Just look in the mirror. Oh I’m kidding, actually they are invisible. So suck it. )
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Probable Scenario:

Sick of stealing socks and knickknacks from children, the Nargels set their target on something bigger: Google. Poised as Chinese hackers they attacked Google’s central password server, only to get a hold of ONE password, which belonged to an unlucky Lagoon band member.
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Motvation:

 Seething with anger at their failure, the Chinese, I mean Nargles, became wrought with fury. They had to take it out on someone, that someone happened to be us.
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The Crime:

 Hiding in mistletoe and waiting for the right moment, the Nargels embedded the foreign code on our server. Needing money for boats and swimsuits, they hoped dearly we wouldn’t find it.
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3. Gnomes

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LAGOON
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Probable Scenario:

Grumpy, small, and wonderful tinkerers, these creatures put it upon themselves to tear down the very infrastructure that was portraying them as retarded old weirdos hawking cheap Travel fair.
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Motivation:

I have always made my love for the “David the Gnome” cartoon series a prevalent theme in everything I do. Turns out Gnomes hate David… Not David our lead singer, but David the Gnome. Gnomes might also hate David our lead singer too. Shit, I just don’t know anymore.
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The Crime:

Late one night, Marisa was looking for a cheap hotel near a turtle farm in Winchester, New York. Unknowingly, when she clicked on that cute red capped little bastard she was PHISHED. All her passwords STOLEN. Our blog… COMPROMISED.
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4. Some Douche

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LAGOON
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Probably Scenario: 

Angry at life, society, the pressures of actually getting a real job, Some Douche learned how to hack wordpress blogs. Using Paypal as the bate, he would lure in Internet patrons to give up their passwords/logins.
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Motivation:

Seeing Lagoon as a both the paradigm of popular music and the epitome of physical excellence made this douche very angry.
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The Crime:

Targeting a blog that is intended for fun, and good nature, he sought to destroy one  this band’s great portals to its listeners.
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This has all left me feeling both vulnerable and angry (kind of like last weekend, yuck yuck). I needed something to cheer me up. Aside from smashing my face into my keyboard repeatedly, I bring to you a new blog feature:
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Lagoon Cultural Models: Jersey Folk

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LAGOON

LAGOON

LAGOON
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