Lagoon Update: Dude Where’s my Van? Maslow’s Hierarchy of Losing Things

11
Aug
0

 
LAGOON
 

(Marisa getting ready to rock)
 
 
 

Show Review!

 
 
On the hierarchy of “losing things” your vehicle tends to be a priority, so you could imagine our amazement when we walked out to corner to find that our extremely large bright red van missing.
 
LAGOON
 
“Hum… I know for a fact I parked the van here,” said Pat.
 

And then it started raining.
 

Marisa had already claimed my umbrella for her hair which was frizzing itself into a knot. The rest of us reached for our phones and madly started googling. I think my first entry was “My can was Towde” (Give me a break, it’s a new phone and I am just learning). Within minutes, we determined the Red Beast was being held at a nearby impound lot.
 

With less than an hour until we had to load in for the show, we were all happy that retrieving our van was relatively easy. Handing over money for something we never wanted done in the first place proved to be more difficult. I remember the stale impound office room, at least one sweaty overweight man judging us, while the other happily rang Pat’s credit card. $$
 
 
LAGOON
 

On our way to get our equipment, I remember staring out the window hoping that this was the last strange thing to happen that night.

 
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A few seconds later we lightly struck a mail truck (Incriminating picture has been purposefully left off).
 

When we arrived at the Middle East I felt much more at ease. We spent some time enjoying drinks and food in the lobby with some friends. In retrospect, beans, grease, and heavy spices were probably the last thing I should have eaten. I did not know that the stage was going to sweat up like a sauna… I got very few hugs after the show. David got a lot of hugs…

 
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The concert went very well. I should have brought up a second bottle of water (or beer?). If one were to judge our performance based on how much bodily fluid we were covered in, I would say we did swimmingly.  Things got even more interesting the second we got off the stage. I had an argument with the booking lady, Pat had an argument with a cab driver, everyone else drank  and slipped away.

 
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No Bodily Harm 

 
Let us for a second return to our previous graph.
 
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It’s not something we did on purpose, but in the mess of loading out our equipment, recounting the night’s activities, and drinking we lost someone. I mean, full on lost someone. Let me clarify, it’s not that we just “left” someone at the club or at the practice space. We simply lost a human being. They got out of the van when no one was around and just wandered off. It is the exact same feeling you have when you lose a dog, a drunk dog, a large drunk dog, a large really drunk dog that’s actually a person.
 

We managed to scrounge up a couple large Mag-lights and began scouring the neighborhood. I think David’s neighbors thought:
 
 
A. We murdered someone and was burying them in a hole dug from inebriated screams.
B. We had lost our dog, but we were going about retrieving him in a way that would simply scare him more.
C. We were so drunk that we thought flashlights talked to Jesus.
 
 

Now, the most interesting fact is that this person (who shall remain namless) some how slipped passed all our searching, responded to ZERO name calls, ducked under the cover of the night and crawled BACK into the rear of the van. Pat, who was driving, suddenly realized some other human had just flopped down on the cold metal floor. He was now asleep. We had found him.
 

Where he was, what he did, and why he did it shall remain a mystery.
 

As we pulled away, David texted me almost immediately after. Apparently a bat had gotten into his house. If this had anything to do with the fact we covered the True Blood theme song at the show I don’t know. I would like to think it did.
 

****Imagine X-Files Theme****
 

And now for a picture trip through the rest of our weekend.

 
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COME SAY HI ON THINGS

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Lagoon Update: I’M A NINNY, Sizzle… Burn… Pop.

7
May
0

 
I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedily dee
 
 Now that I have you singing, perhaps we could get started…. Unless you want to keep singing like a retard.
 
 

 So whats new!?

 
Since you can’t talk back to me I’ll just tell you what’s new with me. I love this form of communication. I get to brag and tell you stuff and you just listen. Ahahahaha. Wow. That was mean. I’m sorry… But no, I got some serious stuff to talk about.
 

It feels like right now is a great time to reflect on life. I know I have been. David and his wife moved out of the band house. Me, Pat, and Marisa are moving down town. This little period of transition has allowed us all to take a break from our craft. We are all still very motivated, but I think we needed this; a small respite to recharge our batteries.
 

Sometimes I wish that my life were different, that perhaps I found pleasure in something else besides music. There is inherent frustration with loving something, an activity, a craft that is so purely based on luck. It is draining. Sometimes I feel like I am taking my energy and just tossing it into this endless abyss (an analogy from Deuce Bigalo comes to mind about a toothpick in a volcano… I’ll leave it at that).
 

Those feelings are normally fleeting. I then recall the gratification of it all personally, and to be honest, I should not base my merits (especially in music) upon the opinion of others or its popularity. I know in my heart everything will work out as it should. Just got to push a little everyday. Also, I am reminded of you guys, the people reading this, that have made this journey thus far so worth it. And thank you for all your help, and support. I say that a lot, but it means so much to us. You have been with us through everything, even before I was in the band… So Holy Shit… maybe I should end the pity party before I make a mistake.
 
LAGOON
 

No, I said Mistake.
 
 

So, things with the band are actually going quite well. Marisa right now is promoting in LA with our good friend TheHawk: pushing the Lagoon Gospel.
 
The album is coming along. The move really took a toll on this timetable but we are working through it as fast as we can. Really only about 3 parts left until the entire album is done recording, then off to LA to get loved on.
 
So life is good. Very Good. 
 
Except.
 

This scared the shit out of me.

  

So, anyone who follows the stock market knows that yesterday (Thursday 05-06-10) the stock market randomly fell 1000 points in the middle of the day. That is really scary. So… To be honest, when I saw that plunge I figured something was wrong. They have had technical glitches with the market before (it is a system, systems have glitches).  What is really frightening is that they believe one person put a “B” for billions instead of an “M” for millions…. Ok you are telling me that ONE missed keystroke tore down the US stock exchange? Holy shit.  Can you imagine what it was like to be that guy?
 
*wavy imagine lines*
 
 
La la la, I work for a large firm, la la la.

I’m going to be a trade.

I think I want to sell 10 million shares.
 
*casual typing*
 
I am so happy to be a trader.

La la la.

Wait… Something is wrong.
 
HOLY SHIT I PUT BILLION INSTEAD OF MILLION

OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO

OMG THAT TRIGGERED LIKE 10000 STOP LOSSES ON VARIOUS COMPUTERS

OMG THE STOCK MARKET IS CRASHING
 
OMG… I’m going to lose my job…. OMG…. PEOPLE ARE GOING TO STARVE… OMG… Think of the puppies… THINK OF THE PUPPIES I’M KILLING. OMG… OMG…
 
* pane of glass crashes*

*body tumbles 50 stories*
 
 
Now in reading that you might wonder a few things…. Probably how stocks effect puppies. I know I wondered the same thing, and there is really no correlation but whenever something goes bad I imagine something is smashing puppies. Usually it’s a robot smashing puppies.
 
Ok, back to real life. So the one human keystroke error is bad, but the real problem is the fact that computers handle a majority of our stock trades. These computers are programmed in very black and white manners. IE: if a stock goes below a certain number, then sell X amount of shares. So, that puppy killing retard trader might have put in a “B” instead of an “M” but the real problem is that 50,000 computers executed automatic trades in a split second…. CRASH GOES THE MARKET. *shivers*
  
 
 
I’ve actually been kinda sad since we ran out of models before weeks. Sad days. Very sad days. Ok not that sad. COME PLAY WITH US.
 

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www.myspace.com/lagoonaz

LAGOON

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Lagoon Update: HACKEDZORS WTF!?!?!

22
Apr
0

 

So, you may have noticed that our blog was hacked last weekend. If you did not notice you are just NOT READING THIS ENOUGH OMG. Break

 After some brief notes, I am going to dedicate this entire blog to our would-be hacker. Exploring every facet of his being and probable motivation for tainting this exquisite place.

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SHOW

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Ok… This is easy… Tomorrow… yes TOMORROW, we have a show at the Cantab Lounge in Cambridge with our good friends The Narrow Channels.
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Poster design by David Ziggleman-Vollster Poleman Dingo:
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Funny story, I walked into the Cantab to hang up these posters last week. I went downstairs to find “Mickey” the guy that runs the club. I walk into a pitch-black basement/bar and searched the wall for a light switch. Suddenly, I heard a voice “Hey Charlie, is that you.”

Break
Ok, so I was a little scared. I told the guy I was just the bass player from Lagoon looking to hang posters. Turns out, Mickey was taking a nap on the stage. When he flipped the lights on I saw that he was playing jazz music from an old radio, and had some incense lit. I hung posters and got the F out of there. All this being said, I think it’s going to be a great show.
Break
Break

DEAR HACKER WTF

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So, I guess I should be proud because hackers apparently only target blogs that are popular. This must mean you like me. You really really like me. In all honesty though, what the fuck? The fact that some douche makes a living by embedding fake Paypal code into websites makes me violently ill (the type of ill where it comes out of both ends, and you gotta use the tub and the toilet). The reason why this irks me so much is that we actually employ the REAL paypalfor all our donations; the primary way we get money for a craft. Thank you for shitting on our hard work and dedication to a non-traditional lifestyle. Sorry for any inconvenience this has caused you, our fans, the only reaons I live and breathe =(
Break

So, instead of having a pity party,  I have put it upon myself to find who this person is. Thusly, I have compiled a list of probably suspects:
Break

#1. The Hamburgler

 Break
LAGOON
Break

Probably Scenario:

Two years ago, on the brink of death after a quadruple bypass, The Hamburlger re-dedicated his life to crime… Cybercrime. Pent up in his house, 300 pounds overweight, his only means of communication was a small Lenovo Laptop. He trolled the Internet for targets: people with views contrary to his own.
Break
Motivation:

Lagoon, innocently, has dedicated itself to the betterment of animal-kind in a number of ways (white heart video). The Hamburgler, angry that most of the band (sans Patmeatfaceeater) really does not enjoy red meat.
Break
The Crime:

Late one evening after eating some Ding Dongs, Licorice, and any other black and white themed food, the Hamburgler snuck onto our web-page by guessing Pat’spassword of “SillyNanny” and implanted the code. Rabble! Rabble!
Break

2. Nargels

Break
(You might be wondering.. well.. what does a Nargel look like? Just look in the mirror. Oh I’m kidding, actually they are invisible. So suck it. )
Break

Probable Scenario:

Sick of stealing socks and knickknacks from children, the Nargels set their target on something bigger: Google. Poised as Chinese hackers they attacked Google’s central password server, only to get a hold of ONE password, which belonged to an unlucky Lagoon band member.
Break
Motvation:

 Seething with anger at their failure, the Chinese, I mean Nargles, became wrought with fury. They had to take it out on someone, that someone happened to be us.
Break
The Crime:

 Hiding in mistletoe and waiting for the right moment, the Nargels embedded the foreign code on our server. Needing money for boats and swimsuits, they hoped dearly we wouldn’t find it.
Break

3. Gnomes

Break
LAGOON
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Probable Scenario:

Grumpy, small, and wonderful tinkerers, these creatures put it upon themselves to tear down the very infrastructure that was portraying them as retarded old weirdos hawking cheap Travel fair.
Break
Motivation:

I have always made my love for the “David the Gnome” cartoon series a prevalent theme in everything I do. Turns out Gnomes hate David… Not David our lead singer, but David the Gnome. Gnomes might also hate David our lead singer too. Shit, I just don’t know anymore.
Break
The Crime:

Late one night, Marisa was looking for a cheap hotel near a turtle farm in Winchester, New York. Unknowingly, when she clicked on that cute red capped little bastard she was PHISHED. All her passwords STOLEN. Our blog… COMPROMISED.
Break

4. Some Douche

Break
LAGOON
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Probably Scenario: 

Angry at life, society, the pressures of actually getting a real job, Some Douche learned how to hack wordpress blogs. Using Paypal as the bate, he would lure in Internet patrons to give up their passwords/logins.
Break
Motivation:

Seeing Lagoon as a both the paradigm of popular music and the epitome of physical excellence made this douche very angry.
Break
The Crime:

Targeting a blog that is intended for fun, and good nature, he sought to destroy one  this band’s great portals to its listeners.
Break
This has all left me feeling both vulnerable and angry (kind of like last weekend, yuck yuck). I needed something to cheer me up. Aside from smashing my face into my keyboard repeatedly, I bring to you a new blog feature:
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Lagoon Cultural Models: Jersey Folk

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POUAXCVPIOUKL:JSEFPOIUZXC:J APOIU XVPIOUAE:LKAJ VEPIOU:

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Lagoon Update: SHOW, You like to blog? New Stuff and Featured Model Vanessa Athens!!!

11
Feb
0

Hi friends, Wow… This has been a pretty crazy couple weeks for lagoon. Lets just jump in.

In Case You Live Under a Rock

Before we get onto the NEW NEW stuff, here is what happened this week.  Episode II – This Life Owes You Nothing is out in Itunes. This song is in stark contrast to our first release. I hope you enjoy this melodic lovemaking session (just click the image and you’ll FLY to itunes, it will even open it up for you, the only thing it won’t do is wipe your butt… only @lagoonmarisa will do that).

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Well… In case that wasn’t enough… Also this week our first professional music video was released… Thank you to everyone who was in it… You guys were great! It really made the video something incredible. Very special thank you to @gustavecadet for his incredible directing skills, as well as @thehawkshow for flying out from LA to be in the video…

Well… without further delay and (in case you did not see it already) here is the video!

Lagoon “Heater Rabbit” from Tornado 72 on Vimeo.

(I have been getting word that SOME PEOPLE cannot view the vimeo site… well… aside from lagoon purchasing you a new computer and/or updating your browser for you, we have also hosted our video on the lawless romp that is Youtube )

Extension to our fans (who can write stuff,  unlike me apparently)

We love our fans. I can safely say we have the coolest and most talented fans imaginable. If you go to our homepage you will notice in our press section we have links to a featured number of our fan blogs. Needless to say, that section of our site is a bit… well… Outdated. As our fan base grows, evolves, gets prettier, I just wanted to remind any blogger that Lagoon will be happy to link your blog on our homepage.

What you gotta do?

Blog anything about Lagoon then email us at Band [at] Lagoononline [dot] com

(A hint to those of you who malfunction: please replace [at] and [dot] with their appropriate counterparts or the email will go somewhere really strange. Probably Pandora, that evil planet in Avatar or to your grandma’s inbox and all prepostions will be replaced with “Shitfuck”)

Ideas: Review a new song, review the video, just mention us, or make a lagoon action figure, make a lagoon inspired pasta dish, dress up as David, dress down as Pat, cross-dress as Marisa, catch and shave a cat, or pose nude in front of a mirror with the words “lagoon” written on you belly.

What do you get in Return?

A link on our homepage that generates nearly 1500 hits a day,  and a feature in our own blog… This very blog… The one you are reading now.

Why the hell are you doing this?

I scratch your butt, you scratch mine… I mean back… Ok I meant butt. I love having my butt scratched… BUTT SCRATCHA!? BUTT SCRATCHA!?

SHOW FEBRUARY 19th 2010

Wait… what? We actually have to play shows again!?!? Ha. Recording the album and making the music video has completely destroyed the time we have for playing shows. Unfortunately, for a musician, that’s  where most the fun occurs. So, just to get back into the swing of things (we gotta ease into it, wouldn’t want to break a hip) we are going to play a nice show with our good friends “The Narrow Channels” at a small grungy underground lovehole that is Cantab Lounge.

Details:

Friday February 19th, 2010

Cantab Lounge

738 Massachusetts Avenue

Cambridge, MA 02139

(617) 354-2685

10:00pm

We are playing one set, pretty short one, then we are going to drink the night away with everyone. Oh, isn’t life grand? ISNT IT!? This is more like a party than a concert. ha.

Oh, and how can I NOT post this sweet poster again in the blog:

LAGOON

(a Jessica Frease design)

LAGOON FEATURED MODEL: Vanessa Athens

This is a very very very special featured model. Vanessa is the one that actually put together this shoot for us. She is an extremely talented singer and writer. I urge to take a look at her website and get to know all things that are Vanessa Athens. Oh… And she’s hot too (Vanessa is one of those talented hot people that make the rest of our genetics look we were created from pond water and fecal matter).

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You can find more pictures on our facebook

We are going to keep a collection of ALL the models there for your enjoyment; for everyone’s enjoyment.

We will be featuring one model per week until we run out of models… or weeks.

Lagoon LOVES Vanessa. We really do. You have done more for us than we could have possibly imagined.

Thanks again to Vanessa Athens @VanessaAthens for putting this together, and to Hansel Tsai for your photography skills.

Check our storefor frequently updated merchandise, and if you want the SEAFOAM shirt (a Jessica Frease design) you can get them from Café Press here: Cafe Press

=(

I know what you are thinking… Jake… this blog is already over!??! WHY!??! I cant get enough. Well… let me just tell you… we have “enough” to give you… SO TAKE IT… Ya.. you like that… TAKE IT AND SHUT UP… you tell anyone about this i’ll kill you.

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Lagoon loves Jessica Frease so much it hurts, and a new Featured Model: Kevin Sullivan

30
Jan
0

A Match Made in Heaven

Wowey Wow, We have been so fortunate to have such amazing people believe in us. @thehawkshow and @gustavecadet have both helped us take our musaks to the video level, and now our long time “Seafoam” designer has agreed to help us to make a series of new tee-shirts, as well as this amazing poster for our upcoming show at Cantab Lounge February 19th.

Jessica Frease is an extremely talented graphic designer and artist that has worked with a number of companies including Reebok, The Cartoon Network, and Trader Joes. If you’re a Lagoon fan you have certainly seen her work in the many, many faces of our beloved mascot Seafoam (click the pictures to see them):

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For more of her work, and information about this incredible person, check out her site at www.hotfreshnow.com

We cannot express how excited and thankful we are to have such a talented person on board with us. Check out the sweetness of this poster (Iphone wallpaper, .pdf, and desktop wallpaper versions are available on our site at : Art Gallery )

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I guess this is a perfect lead in to the next, and completely unexpected (haha), portion of this blog. Which is this week’s Featured Lagoon Model. Thank you again Jessica, for creating Seafoam, the lovable man-eating bone-shattering mascot of Lagoon.

Lagoon Featured Model: Kevin Sullivan

I think Kevin is the perfect featured model for this week. He looks quite warm in his beanie, and the fact that is something like 10 degrees out… well… it just works. Actually sometimes I don’t understand my own logic. This might be one of those times *sigh*. I love this first picture. It seems, like Chuck Norris, Kevin possesses the ability to kick a man’s soul.

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LAGOON

You can find more pictures on our facebook
We are going to keep a collection of ALL the models there for your enjoyment; for everyone’s enjoyment.
We will be featuring one model per week until we run out of models… or weeks.
Thank you Kevin! these photos are awesome! Best of luck to you in 2010

As usual, Thanks to Vanessa Athens @VanessaAthens for putting this together, and to Hansel Tsai for your photography skills.
Check our store for frequently updated merchandise, and if you want the SEAFOAM shirt (a Jessica Frease design) you can get them from Café Press here: Cafe Press

Do you like us? I mean… REALLY like us? Why not join us on our various social networks, or sign up for our email list on our homepage (no spam, only love… love spam… ahaha just kidding no spam)

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Lagoon Update: Models, Videos, and Turtles oh my!

8
Dec
0

Wowey, it’s been too long! Sorry I have not been writing as much… this whole “HOLY CRAP LIFE IS REALLY POUNDING IT TO YOU” thing is taking its toll on my creativity.

However, we have a lot of band related nuse… nuse? News? There we go.

LAGOON MODEL SHOOT

Sometimes friends of the band go out of their way to do something nice for us. We are lucky to have such an eclectic fan base.

Most recently, my good friend Vanessa Athens (@Vanessaathens) did something amazing… Truly amazing. Not only is she flying through Los Angeles’s ranks as the coolest person alive, but she spent a great deal of time putting together a Lagoon Photo Shoot using some of our Teeshirts and 15 of LA’s finest models. Needless to say, the band was blown away by not only the sheer number of photos (over 600), but also the effort and generosity Vanessa and all the models showed us.

Starting next week as a way to repay their hard work (before we are all sipping fine wine at a red carpet party), we will start featuring the models on all of our social networks. we will be tweeting pictures, and linking the rest to our facebook (www.facebook.com/lagoonband) and our blog, where you can view the entire collection.

So here’s a very special thanks to all of you:

Production Manager: Vanessa Athens www.vanessaathens.com

Photographer: Hansel Tsai www.hanseltsai.com

Angie Abana – Professional Editor & Model

Bahar Barkzi – Model

Bret Ford – Firefighter & Model

Chris Kovacs – Actor/Model

Daniel Conners – Actor/Model

Isaiah Lucas – Model

Juliana Pfeffer – Model

Kevin Sullivan – Professional Diver & Model

Lydia Muijen – Actress/Model

Mariel Gomsrud – www.gomsrudtwins.com/mariel

Melissa Temps – Model

Miranda Hazen – Model

Phoenix Skye – Model

Clinton Brandel – Model

Josh Duhon – Model

Vanessa Athens – Singer/Model/fucking amazing

Here’s a taste:

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Interested in getting yourself a SEAFOAM teeshirt? Go here =)

Interested in some of our “ONE OF A KIND” shirts, check out the store on our homepage: http://http://www.lagoononline.com/html/store.html

And stay tuned for all the featured model pics!

MARISA IS A TURTLE FREAK

As you know, or if you didn’t know you just don’t pay enough attention to us, Lagoon dedicates a great deal of its energy trying to raise awareness for the mistreatment of animals, well… Creatures in general. Recently, Marisa (@lagoonmarisa) went to Georgia to visit the Sea Turtle Center, which specializes in rehabilitating sick turtles. (www.georgiaseaturtlecenter.org)

Here are some pictures, look at their sweet faces:

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If you head over to their website you can learn about some of their patients, my favorite being 2007’s patient of the year named “Griffin”

Griffin was originally stranded off Daytona beach and was taken to the Volusia County Marine Science Center. He is unable to dive and can not eat on his own. After several weeks, the staff there decided that they would like to transfer him here to see if new eyes could help find the mystery problem. We received him, and after some initial xrays found he has a lot of gas in his GI tract, and treated him for a bacterial infection…”

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Lagoon Update: Defining ‘Modern’ Malay Womanhood and the Messages of the Veil

10
Sep
0

(www.lagoononline.com)

Well look who finally decided to show up… Sheesh. I thought I was going to have to yank your arm. YANK.

Lets get down to business shall we?

Defining ‘Modern’ Malay womanhood… what!?

So out of boredom I googled myself. Don’t lie, I know you’ve done it, and I know that’s not the worst thing you’ve done to yourself today. Oddly enough someone with my name co-authored an article called “Defining ‘Modern’ Malay Womanhood and the  Messages of the Veil.” Pretty awesome. Lol.

So Sexy

(They really are a stunning people, aren’t they?)

         So what about BAND related stuff… well let me tell you, we’ve been doing a lot. @davidtornado has been slaving to finish up some parts as well as write some pretty awesome new stuff. The greatest thing about recording is being able to realize and bring forth all the subtle nuances. 4th song should be done very soon, then it’s off to LA for another round of lovin.

            For our Boston fans, we booked a show in November at Copperfields near Fenway on the 6th (it’s a Friday) at 11pm. We also now have a show booked at Alchemist Lounge in Jamaica Plain that following week, November 12th. I love the Alchemist shows for a few reasons; they are free, intimate setting, lots and lots and lots of drinks. Expect the string of shows to continue through the winter, we are here to warm your cockles.

        For our Arizona fans, we’ll see you in Tucson October 24th at Plush. Now that’s going to be insane!

         So, as you know, I love to making friends, networking, chatting with wonderful people such as yourself. What you thought I forgot about you? Never. I love you. Healthy love. Ok crap, totally off track.  So, a good friend of mine (@DJ_Aphrodite) is going to be putting our tunes on her internet radio show over at www.krushradio.com, it’s a really awesome program so make sure to check her out Fridays 10-12am.

“So, are you broken or just BROKE?”

         Thanks to everyone who offered me support while I had my brief stay in the hospital. Turned out to be a badly sprained shoulder, and a deep cut in my elbow, as well as a nice bruise on my hip. Better to be on the side of caution though. Time to buy a helmet; I realized how easily I could have murdered myself. Tree roots are evil.

Here are some pretty injury pictures (if you are squeamish or just a pussy I would skip this part).

Instead of going to the hospital, I thought it would be smart to just come home, wash up, take a shot of whiskey and go to bed. I woke up to blood soaked sheets. I should have gotten stitches. Alas, it was too late:

elbow

I am a little excited to watch the colors of this bruise to heal. This is on my hip bone.

 

hip

REVIEW THIS

So my friend Jessica told me about something fun…. Reviewing products on Amazon.com. I know what you are thinking… “what the hell, that is not fun…” Well it is when you do fake reviews. Mwhahahah.

So the product I chose to review was a nail gun:

The Factory-Reconditioned Bostitch U/BT200K-2 5/8-Inch to 2-Inch 18 Gauge Brad Nailer

Nail This

Dear Amazon, 

         I bought the Factory-Reconditioned Bostitch Brad Nailer for my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago for his birthday. I thought it would be a funny joke because… well… I’ve been nailing Brad for a few years now. But let me tell you something, this is NOT a toy.
           Brad is a “go getter” person, and the same afternoon he went out and purchased the “air blower upper thing” you needed to power the gun. After fifteen minutes of arguing, Brad decided to use the gun to nail together a piece of unassembled IKEA furniture. I found this sort of amusing, and to be honest, it is far more stable than any dining set I’ve ever seen.
            The next morning I found that Brad had nailed every piece of clothing I own to the walls around my house. Even some kitchen appliances were suspended like hanging tree fruit from the ceiling, each one with a single nail and the cord meticulously wrapped around it. I later found a note… Yes… Nailed to the door that read, “Taking my new friend for a walk.”
              That night everything got a little worse. Just as advertised, this nail gun is WHISPER quiet. So quiet that I never heard Brad powering it up when he decided to jump on my bed and discharge nails into my pillow around my sleeping face and head. This gave me quite a fright, but Brad told me the gun had told him to do it, and that he couldn’t stop.
                In the first week of having this, we went through 4,000 dollars worth of nails. Brad was consumed, and nailed together many things he called “wigwam statues.” He said the Nailer liked them, and needed them to consume the souls of lesser men. Part of me was happy for Brad, he finally found a creative outlet, and I even brought one of the statues to a friend of mine who is an art dealer. One of his “pieces” will be on display September 22nd, at the Center Street art festival.
              Unfortunately, the good luck came to an end just a few days ago when Brad purchased 3 more Bostitch nail guns. He had planned to tape them to his feet and climb up the side our neighbor’s house. Amazingly, he  made it up about 20 feet before the air hose got caught on a tree branch and broke his spider-like stride. In frenzy, he discharged at least 200 nails in all directions shattering windows and lodging into trees as he fell to the ground. The doctor spent 4 hours later that night pulling nails from Brad’s white fleshy body.
           It is not that I wouldn’t recommend this product, for all that is happened it truly has functioned really well. I am just unsure whether or not this “reaction” is commonplace. Brad and I have since grown apart, well, relationship wise. I still visit him often and even bring him his unpowered Bostitch gun to the hospital where he will be taking his extended stay, pending a psychiatric evaluation.

-Julie Myers

Again, I really wish I was there to see this person read this. Ha. Feel free to check out the review on Amazon at: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00066N884/ref=cm_cr_mts_prod_img (It takes 48 hours for them to post the review, so it might not be up just yet)

Until next time kiddies….
Make sure to say hi on twitter: @lagoonband
Or find us on facebook: www.facebook.com/lagoonband
Or come visit me at my home address: 1199 Yafuckingright avenue

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