T is of Testes (off topic and needlessly descriptive)


Not really a band update, but I figured I would share this with you.
Without fail, I severely burn myself every 3 to 4 years. In highschool, it was an iron to the upper arm. In college, it was a flaming marshmallow to the nose. And most recently it was an extremely hot cup of tea on my testicles.
Granted, the mark this burn left on me was far more emotional than physical. I could say that, other than a few red spots, small blisters and missing hair, I am 100% ok.
I had just sat down on the couch to watch some football. The Colts were losing to the eagles, and I was enjoying a little facebook surfing. My girlfriend had picked up a new variety of tea, something that boasted SUPER antioxidant power so I thought I would try it. I always imagine antioxidants as cancer police in my blood, roaming around chomping free radicals. The extent of my scientific knowledge on the subject ends there.
The tea pot whistled. I got my favorite mug. I poured some water. Plopped in the tea bag and set it on the somewhat stable couch arm… It happened exactly how you are now picturing it. I sat down, brushed the glass with my elbow, and in slow motion watched it slip down the arm of the couch dumping the complete contents on my lightly clothed pasty white inner thigh.
The involuntary reaction was spectacular. My laptop went flying. I let out a very high pitched yelp, and then pulled my pants down. My brain at this point ceased to grasp the situation. My pants lay in a steaming pile beneath me, but instead of, well… covering myself up, I simply stood there assessing the damage.
Like a curious and shocked rodent with an injured limb, I inspected for any serious problems and checked functionality. Not at all realizing that I was, in fact, completely naked from the waste down staring at my own now turtling genitals in front of three very large unfiltered windows two stories above what could only be described as a busy city street.
My second embarrassment followed when, in a panic, I pulled my pants back up to find that they were nearly as hot as they were 30 seconds before (damn you water and your high specific heat!). So I pulled them back down, and finally wandered into my room wearing only my gym shoes, no pants, and a waist long white undershirt.
Had you been walking below my apartment at ~ 7:23pm November 7th 2010 you would have seen the following sequence of events.
1. A man jumps up from his couch throwing his laptop 3 feet into the air
2. Said man turns towards 3 large windows and pulls down his pants
3. Man continues to stand there staring and moving his genitals around in such a away that he could be described as looking “inquisitive”
4. Man pulls pants back up
5. Man throws pants back down.
6. Man turns around and walks slowly into his room
7. Man returns a few seconds later with a bag of frozen broccoli
8. Man puts broccoli on his crotch.

Broccoli, is there anything you cant do?





  • Share/Bookmark