Lagoon Update: Ello Gov’nah, 5 Reality TV Shows That Must Be Made

24
Aug
0

  

 

 

Hi, It’s Jacob, your resident Lagoon Crazy person. You look really nice today, I see the rash has cleared up. Lets begin shall we?

 

HI LAGOON WHATCHA DOIN?

Another productive week in the books, and Lagoon is really close to sending their 4th track to LA to be mixed. This is an extremely exciting time.

If you didn’t know, Lagoon is an independent organization, as well as a small body of water. This does not mean we don’t hope to one day be signed, but it does means we can do really cool stuff as far as how we get musak to you guys.

As you know, in May, we put our previous two albums up on our homepage (www.lagoononline.com) so you could download all our tracks for free. It was our way of giving back to our fans who have support us for the almost 6 years our band has been together making music. Since then, the site has gotten 227,000 hits, and in August alone more than 800 song downloads. On top of that, it seems a lot of you opted to pay for the music from Itunes, and it is so rewarding and uplifting to us to receive that. Every bit helps.

All we have to say is, thank you so much. Really. The response has been amazing, and it has been your voice telling others about us that has brought us to almost 30,000 followers on twitter (@Lagoonband). Now that’s the power of communication at work.

Most recently, this has led to Lagoon being played on the BBC in a show featuring the best new music from the Internet. We were the first song featured on the program. It was an amazing experience.

The new music is going to be coming out really soon. I can’t wait to tweet, blip, myspace, and facebook all of it to you guys. I hope you guys feel like you are a part of this all, because you are, we are nothing without our fans.

Just to maintain the air of mystery, I wont reveal the rest of all that is glorious.

We love you. Healthy kind of love though, not creepy… like going to follow you around with Pool Noodle and smack you everytime you say “Stop.”

 

Ok, now on to the craziness I normally write about in this blog that will probably offend some of you after I just warmed your heart. Ahahahahahaha. Oops. And I use some foul language… SORRY.

 

5 Reality TV Shows That Need to be Created

1. John and Kate Minus 8

The premise of this show is easy; in the middle of the night you kidnap all their children. Then, each episode you place one of those cute little buggers in a 4×4 foot Plexiglas cubicle and hide them in a metropolitan cultural center. Armed with only their wits, and a few small clues, John and Kate must save their child. It would be a mix between Lethal Weapon and forced marriage counseling.

This is quite mean.

This show would only be approximately 9 episodes long, the finale being when we kidnap John.

2. Real World: Sub-Sahara Africa

I remember when this show first came out, and for a few seasons the people on it were actually… well… Real. What happened between then and now was an infection by the alluring temptress of our douche bag personal imagery that has since spread to most of America. Subsequently, this show has since devolved into a steaming crap heap. No one on this program is real, as the now ironic title would suggest. So, how to bring this show back to reality?

 

RUN!

 

What is more real than watching floundering socialites scatter from voracious wild animals in a totally foreign environment. Nothing. I dare say nothing.

3. Bear Grylls – Calcutta India

I have watched this man stab a reindeer, kill it, drink its blood, and take a bite of its heart. In no way is this teaching me how to survive, this is just some overly zealous cockbag showing off his unabashed bravado on an innocent animals. I fail to believe that there are that many snakes, rodents, and abandoned cabins in the “wilderness” just waiting to get raped by Bear Grylls. So, how do we fix this show? Send him to Calcutta.

I know this picture is more lame than the others.

No amount of urinating on yourself, Bear, will ever save you from mobs of angry people tearing apart your expensive Northface jackets and highfalutin survival gear. My only hope is that someone takes a bite out of you while you’re still alive.

(On a further note, I have heard Bear Grylls being described as the new Chuck Norris, I am sorry but Chuck Norris’s farts are more badass than he’ll ever be)

4. True Life – I’m an Oompa Loompa

If you are like me, and I know you are, you believe that Willy Wonka was not only real but also still exists today in an underground cavern south of Hoboken New Jersey. This show would profile a recently fired Oompa Loompa named Larry as he attempts to get a new profession in the harsh real world.

What do you get when you guzzle down crack?

This would be a treatise on the pitfalls of our capitalist society, as we realize that Larry, sad, alone, and addicted to white chocolate heroine, is doomed to live a life on the street performing tricks for passerbys.

5. Job (Like from the Bible)

The premise of this show involves scouting out some of the most self-righteous televangelists, and then putting them in a biblical style reign of terror. The show would start from simple things like a flat tire, and end with the staged murdering of their entire family. The production of this show would take months of research, bribing and hidden camera placement. Then, at any point, if they renounce their faith they lose and in front of millions of people.

The Bible is amazing

I know what you’re thinking, that’s so MEAN. But is it? When they lose the show they will be compensated with large sums of money, and I have come to understand that was what they were after in the first place. And just like the bible, any “winners” of the show will get nothing. Ah, the meek shall inherit the earth.

 

That’s it for now! Feel free to tweet me anything want to see on the blog, or ideas about the music. Oh ya, follow us on facebook too… I know one social network isnt enough: www.facebook.com/lagoonband

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Lagoon Update: First song to LA, Birth Control?

30
Jul
1

A Milestone has been reached

So, yesterday we sent our first completed and arranged song to LA to be mixed. The track name is “protocol,” and for those of you who have been to our live performances will know that this is one of my favorite songs (I tend to jump around a lot). Ok… Lagoon is cruising. It is amazing how much more you can accomplish when you focus on one thing and don’t have to deal with all the crapola that is associated with playing shows. Don’t get me wrong, playing shows is what I live for, it is like a drug; the only drug I know of where they pay you to take it. Also, we’ll be playing shows again starting in September. Don’t cry. It’ll be ok. And if you do cry, save your tears because I LOVE bathing in tears, and rubbing sadness in every pore of my body until I burst.

LAGOON

Ok, on to the shenanigans

PLAN B

I have no idea how this came up in casual conversation, but I still find it amazing that one popular brand of morning after pill is called “Plan B.” I have only had to use this on one occasion (Actually the girl used it. If I did I would probably look different. MAN BOOBS). However, it occurred to me that the name is really horrible. The morning after pill is only Plan B? I figured it would be farther down the line of preemptive maneuvers:

Ok, for example:

Plan A- Abstinence


If you don’t have sex you wont have a baby, this is 100% effective

Humpy no humpy

 

Plan B- Condoms
Cheap, effective, smell awful

Latex smells rancid!

Plan C- Use Birth Control

Get tested for STDS, get on birth control, and screw like rabbits… ahhhh
(Fact: Actually, the morning after pill is the same hormones as birth control just in higher dosage.)

Pushy Pushy

Pland D- Diaphragms


I don’t know how these work. I only know they look like gnome hats

GNOMES!!!!!!

Plan E- The Pull Out Method

I personally cant do this, I struggle.

PULL OUT QUICK

Plan F- Pray


I have heard if you pray for a baby to go away it will

Dear lord de-fetus me

 

Plan G- Morning after pill

Realistically, the morning after pill should be further down the list. Not only is it embarrassing to buy, it also makes the person who takes it pretty sick… like vomitty sick. I have decided that I will write a letter to the makes of Plan B. It will include the previous plans, but also will expand further in more detail:

Plan H- Keep the child put it up for adoption

I am sure someone would love a child from my glorious genetics

I love you billy!!!!!!

Plan I- Keep the child, gain custody, raise it

Take the toothless prostitute mother to court after you plant drugs on her (if she is already addicted to drugs that makes this easier)

Your mother was a whore billy!

Plan J- Get the child aborted at a reputable clinic

 Many doctors will do this for you, if that is what you choose

Plan K- Coat Hanger

No doctor will do this for you unless you are in Tijuana

for clothes only

Plan L – Sell the child on the black market

If the child is a boy you can demand a premiun in Asian markets

Helicopter lift off!!

Plan M- Sell the Child’s body parts

lol.

oooo, ground human meat!

(Please note that plans H through M, as well as some earlier are jokes, I don’t want to step on at TOES here, or any babies for that matter. Ahahahahahahaah)

Until Next Time

I know that Dave is finishing up a blog pretty soon about trip to vermont and our awesome fourth of July. If any of you guys have any questions, suggestions, or just want to shoot the shit, feel free to drop me a line either on twitter or Facebook. Oh ya! we got our new facebook URL too: www.facebook.com/lagoonband (creative right?)

 I cant tell you guys how excited we all are about the new album! booya!

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Gulls, A demonic presence, News News News?

9
Jul
0

Hi friends. I know it’s been a while since we talked, but that’s ok. I am sure you will eventually get over it. I was going to do this blog in video form, but I felt like writing. Too bad for you.

POOR HAWAII LIGHT WIND!!!!!!

Ok… I gotta talk about the News.

A lot has been going on recently. In fact, it is INSANE, how many stories there are about Michael Jackson. I am convinced that most news companies have simply found a way to put his name in taglines just get readers. I am happy it is almost over, but I could not help but notice what happened on TV the night MJ died:

ABC news planned a special episode of 20/20, it was tastefully done, somber, heartfelt.

NBC did a two-hour dateline on Michael and Farrah. It outlined some of their greatest accomplishments

Most the other networks did life and times of Michael Jackson, in-depth stories, live witness accounts, performances.

So what did the Fox network do? What ingenious, artistic, wholesome way did Fox honor one of the most talented artist of our time.
It re-aired the American Idol Michael Jackson Special….
Really Fox?
That’s what you came up with? Other far less talented people performing, or raping rather, Michael Jackson songs.
I remember tweeting about this when it happened; it is like having trained apes performing Bible miracles. I would rather watch a young child get punted like a football than have to sit through David Cook ruining Billie Jean. Really… that’s the best you could do? Why not show Michael Jackson performing his own songs… How he intended… is that not a logical thing? Or perhaps American Idol is so starved for cash and attention… oh wait… It’s not.

 DOUCHE

And Iran, Iran so far awayyyyy…..

Whenever a country uses the word “crush” in any political statement in regards to their OWN population, their citizens are not free.  Run away.

Oh ya, and Flock of Seagulls RULE!

 GULLS

Demon Guitar and more on Iran

Dusk

I recently purchased a 1985 Rickenbacker 4003 Bass guitar. I am in love with it. Seriously, my fingers are barely able to type at this moment because I have been playing so much. However… there is something a little bit worrisome that I found on the internets.

Theredrickenbacker.com

So… is my guitar possessed? Am I doomed to Disappear? Or, like some accounts have said, is Lagoon now destined for fame, glory, and so many suitors that I’ll only be tantamount to an Iranian Supreme leader.

But wait… where was I going with that? OH YA, probably the greatest thing I’ve read recently about Iran… Why does Iran hate Britain? I mean… they did nothing but drink tea, eat crumpets and play cricket? Or football, which is soccer. Beside the point. So apparently the supreme leader, Supreme Ayatollah Ohcrapheap Coalminer, hid all his money guised as state funds (~billion) and put it in BRITISH BANKS. Ha. Gotta love when they seized that. I am sure that is enough to make any power-drunk leader a little Coo Coo for some revenge. Oh I seriously love the Brits.

Supreme Suck

Band News

So, I figured since this is the BAND BLOG, I should mention something about it… We are really close to having a couple of the new songs done. It’s really exciting to hear our plans come together ( I will be tweeting and blipping the crap out of this stuff). We found out the hard way how difficult it is to gig-out AND record an album at the same time. So after our upcoming concert in Vermont, we are going to be taking some time off to really focus on recording, and finishing up all these loose ends. Ha, loose ends, I always giggle when I say that. I dont think we’re crazy… but…

crazy

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