Lagoon Update: I’m Still Alive, I’m Just Very Badly Burned
Jun0
Well hi. I feel a little awkward it’s been so long. You know that feeling when you haven’t gotten your hair cut in 3 months, and you sit down in the chair and you’re about to profess “I’m sorry I let it get this bad.” But then you realize you also didn’t shower, and you went to some foam party the night before, where the foam was flavored like bacon, and some guy rubbed cigars on your face? That’s about how I feel.
So… WHY Did I wait this long?!??!?!
Reason #1: I did not want to jinx anything.
Reason #2: I was tired, oh so tired.
We finished recording the album.
I am allowed to say that now without ruining anything.
Let me describe you the moment of culmination:
Pat, after literally 100 takes of the guitar solo for “Never Leaving New England,” let out a recorded guttural yell that would make any man insta-fist pump. I think it was fate, or providence, that the album would finish on the very weekend we were leaving our home. I think that house, a stoic reminder of what nature does to an unkempt human dwelling, gave up the last little bit of its life for us.
“Goodbye Lagoon, take with you my message of apple orchards and 200 years of abuse.”
But, honestly, there is something to be said here. I really think that negative emotions, either depression, or sadness really is the soil in which good music grows. That house, our situation, took a little something from all of us. And we gave it back to our music.
I am curious, when all this is said and done and after the album is mixed and produced, if there is still that shred of sadness. I guarantee it will be there.
Now, what is funny (or mean) is that when we first moved to Boston we realized that David was far happier than he had been in a long time. I mean it was weird, really weird. He was drinking a lot of martinis, just lovin’ life and the fact he was in a new place.
The band had considered taking action, since, as we have discussed, David is a far more prolific songwriter when he is sad:
How to Depress David
Any of you who know David understand that he is a very interesting fellow. He likes rich cheese, colorful things, and nice clothes. And as band, if we were going to make him sad we wouldn’t want to hurt him really, just sadden him severely.
#1 Moths
This is actually an intricate ploy. What we would have to do would be to sneak into David’s house and use a hole punch to put maybe 1 or 2 holes into every article of clothing David owns (including shoes, so maybe a leather punch).
Oddly, he probably wouldn’t notice until he was at work, or a fancy party, or whatever else David does… And… inevitably, if asked, we could just say that moths did it, very precise circular eating moths that also like leather.
#2 Dog Vomit
(I will purposely not include a picture here)
Now, David has an issue. If he sees vomit, especially dog vomit, he will also vomit. It’s a cycle of continuous vomitus that could kill, so we have to be careful here less we permanently injure our friend in some sort of perpetual gag-heave. For a moment, you have to suspend disbelief and just grant us (the evil part of lagoon) the ability to procure a large amount of Dog Vomit. I have a feeling that, as David is reading this, he is probably already gagging.
The prank would start by placing a large amount of dog vomit under David’s pillow before he fell asleep. Then after, the initial shock and inevitable David reactionary vomit, he would run to the bathroom, where we would have filled his medicine cabinet and toilet bowl also with vomit. After which, finally, as David calmed down and went to the fridge for some water, he would find that we have filled all available containers, jars, and jugs with vomit. Cold Refrigerated water puffed dog food vomit.
We would probably have to end there, but repeat this process at least once a week to keep David sad and malnourished.
This would be easy to blame on someone else, because humans don’t dog vomit. Dogs do. And David has two dogs, one of which is a prankster.
The only problem with this plan is David’s wife, as she is just an innocent bystander in a malicious vomitus-vomitus cycle.
#3 Kayak Rack
If there is anything in this world that David likes more than Kayaks its Kayak racks. So, we would just smash his kayak rack. OH WHAT WOULD HE DO DURING THOSE PERFECT SUMMER KAYAK DAYS!?
(This is probably depressing David already for a different reason)
#4 BEES
David has an interesting Tattoo in the shape of big honey bees encircling his arm. One could deduce from that fact that he likes the furry little creatures. That is false. He is deathly afraid of them. I mean deathly. David has the ability to sing in many pitches, but, when he sees a Bee (not even one that is near him), he will chant in almost an inaudibly high pitched way “BEE BEE BEE BEE BEE,” while flailing uncontrollably (he has knocked over little old ladies).
I have told David many times in the past that I think we should lock him in a dark room with many angry Bees just so he could finally get over his phobia. I mean, he is not allergic, and if the room is large enough he probably wouldn’t even get stung THAT much.
Apparently that would kill David, as he has told me before.
So, what would we do?
First we would drug David and drag him into the basement and chain him to a chair. Then would dress Pat in a very large furry bee costume and have him lumber out of the darkness and just walk around him singing “Bee Bee Bee Bee” in a really low voice. The key to this would be to not actually DO anything to David, and then return him to his bed. He would then think it was a dream. We would repeat this process at least 3 times a week until the insomnia and mental state broke him down. Then, once we have solidified the psychological snap, we could just leave little patches of Bee fur around and trigger a whole new round of crazy.
How would we deny this? We don’t. I would agree with him, tell him that I have the same weird bee torture dream everynight and that it is SO WEIRD.
It is my hope that David actually gets sad on his own. I know that’s kind of messed up in itself to wish for someone’s sadness, but, the product of it is so awesome. I mean SO AWESOME. You’ll see… Soon atually. ahahahaha
Well friends, I hope now that we have moved I can get back in to the routine of talking to you more often.
Oh… also, if you have any good ideas for the album name please send them to us, or tweet them, or Tattoo them on your buttocks.
Lagoon Update: SHOW! Ipad? poop, Featured Model: Irony
Apr0
Hi friends. What a week. I mean WHAT A WEEK. I love you Saturday. You make every other day seem so inadequate. Just like… I’ll leave that analogy at that.
So how are you? You get that “thing” removed yet?
Band NEWS
Hi. We decided that going until JUNE to play our next show was far too long. So, we booked another shin-dig at the Cantab lounge for Friday April 23rd.
I apologize for @lagoonmarisa’s inability to take pictures
The show details are not nailed out. I will be making a facebook event group with all that fabulous stuff, so come join us. Like last time, expect a small packed bar that is very loud with poor sound quality, cheap drinks, and men that comment on how the color of your scarf looks like “pussy.” Luckily I wasn’t offended. Actually nothing offends me anymore. Except people that wear too much perfume, that is horribly offensive. MY BURNING OLFACTORIES.
Ipad Fever!?
I do not understand the buzz about this. It is missing basic hardware, and falls into some gray zone between a computer and a book reader? To be honest, I think Apple really doesn’t care. They know they can release a quasi-cool item and every hipster will buy one as a coffee table accent. Now, granted, it’s neat, it’s sleek, it’s fast, it does what it is supposed to do well (which most Microsoft/windows based items simply cannot say), but does anyone NEED it?
There is an argument to be made here that hipsters simply NEED Apple devices to survive. Some medical documents (published by the AMA) have suggested that Hipsters blood is part Apple, called Iblood. Like vampires they simply cannot survive without being surrounded by and in constant contact with Apple devices. Side effects of this condition are easy to spot: Shrinkage of jeans, Ironic facial hair growth, Pompous attitude, plaid, neon sunglasses, and no testicles. Removal of these individuals from their environment will often kill them, or in some cases cause them to vomit from awkwardness when they realize, blatantly, that they are simply devoid of any real creativity, and have just been following a trend.
Here is what Apple, or someone ( I don’t care) needs to create:
“The tricorder incorporates several sensor clusters, multi-channel communications assemblies, and multiple databank modules. Encompassing visual displays and standard graphic touch pad interface, it provides easy means for on the spot archive retrieval, the recording of away mission events, and constant scientific measurements including biological, geographical or meteorological. Tricorders could also be used for tasks such as recording time trials or interfacing with starship systems such as forcefield controls. They are also capable of playing holographic messages and feature a built in universal translator”
(It takes a different breed of nerd to write this shit up, don’t get me wrong, I love it, I love Star Trek, but good lord you gotta be nerdy)
Now, I know most of these technologies do not exist, but I KNOW for a fact, with current technology they could make the laptop, the digital camera and the cell phone obsolete with one device. The specs on even an Iphone would make my first computer look ridiculous. So Apple, stop fucking around, stop releasing intermediate luxury buttpuff devices, make the Ieverything and turn us all into hipsters.
This week’s Featured Model: Irony
Instead of doing this week’s model, I am just going to post more pictures of Hipsters.
Come join us on things with other stuff in it:
